The Kastes in Action

Halloween

2011-11-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

Is such a wierd holiday to me. I love it and hate it. I love the fact that it's completely okay to be in costume. Except when I worked at the big insurance company and was told that everyone could wear costumes to work and it was only me who did. Well, 7 other people out of the thousands who worked there did. But it's perfectly acceptable around here to dress up on Halloween. In fact you are cool if you do. And for the kids, it's just like the one day I don't have to feel weird about letting them out of the house in their costumes. I always let them out of the house in their costumes, I just don't have to feel weird about it on Halloween. Oh, and what do I hate? CANDY!

So then there's the trick or treating, which is exactly what it states- trick or treat.   Here's what happens: the kids get their treats and then I let them go crazy for their candy that first night.   In fact Norah and Viv just dropped down in the entryway, dumped their buckets on the floor, and started binging in the middle of the piles of candy. The doorbell was still ringing with other trick or treaters. Norah, being the generous soul that she is, just gave the kids who rang the doorbell their choice of her candies splayed out on the floor, since our bowl of candy had all been given away. She used her Spanish: 'Hola, Como Estas? Do you want some candy?' as she motioned generously with her arm across the pile.

That just seemed to make people uncomfortable, so after that I turned off the light.    Then: here is where the trick comes in: I steal all the candy that is left after that night and I bring it to work or throw it away. Then I deal with the major tantrum about 'all my candy is gone' and then the whole horrible mess is over. I always feel like I'm stashing some criminal cash or drugs or something when I take their candy. Like I don't know what to do with it. I go get a Target bag, and I pour it in there, some drops on the floor and I look around furtively before I pick it up... and then I look around for the perfect spot to stick the bag... what if I leave it in some cupboard that they might see... what if they look in my purse tomorrow morning... what if they check the trunk.... WHERE can i put it?   Is that Norah coming? Do I hear her? I am caught!!!   Then I have to deal with the guilt of my betrayal and lies when I look into their imploring (demanding) eyes: 'Mommy, WHERE'S MY CANDY???"

I felt so evil this year as I watched them run from house to house filling their bags with what I knew to be candy destined for the dust bin.   I don't do this to Teddy. But I do it to the girls, because I cannot describe what a BAD effect Skittles and Pixie Stix seem to have on their outlook on things, their teeth, the tantrums about how many pieces they can have at a time, the wrappers all over the house, the licked-twice suckers stuck to the carpet.   Am I alone here?

Happy Halloween!!! BOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Psychological Evaluation

2011-10-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

Norah drew a picture the other day. I'd include a copy of it if I thought it to be instructive in any way. Nothing was really discernable in it, so no need. I asked her what it was and she said it was a 'tv robot with a bloody hand'.   Hmmm. This from the child across whose transom a PG-rated movie never has crossed.

Vivienne was singing herself a lullaby the other night. It was a strange mix of mushy princess ideals and terror:

'And my hearrrrrrrrt
Feels looooooovvve
But a Bad Maaaaaaaan
Will Take You Awaaaaaaay
Go To Sleeeeeep
Good night!'

Teddy, who generally plays outdoors all alone by himself at night until his legs ache and he has to rest,
stayed inside all last night grinding out violin practice, god bless it.   He drove himself a bit mad and in a frenzy of violin passion he tried to get Karl to learn 'Song of the Wind'. When Karl could not get it on the first try he came downstairs and told me that 'Daddy said I was a bad violin teacher.'

The kindergarten teacher asked the class 'what famous person is on a penny?' Anyone have a guess?
Norah guessed: 'Peter Pan?'

Vivienne has now been exposed to Disney. Disney movies are all based on the mother dying, it seems. Viv's quite comfortable with this.   "Are you my mother?' You are going to die!" I'm like, 'gee that's sad.' She said cheerfully, "that's okay, I'll just get another mother!'   Meanwhile Norah will be humming along quite nicely when she'll just stop all happiness with a screeching halt and turn on me accusingly: 'MOMMY. I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE. EVER!!!!'   When I try the old, I won't, not until I'm 100 years old etc etc it's not good enough: 'I don't want you to die even when you are 100 years old. EVER!! 'WAAAAAAH!!' She really believes that I can change the ending to this story.

I brought the kids lunch the other day at school. I kind of surprised Teddy. He turned red when he saw me and I gave him his subway sandwich and said 'Can I sit with you?' He wasn't sure what to say. He said 'yeah.' Then he said 'Can you not sit with me?' Then he said 'No wait you can sit with me.' So I sat with his boy table and they are still young enough that they all wanted to talk to me and tell me stuff. I was completely accepted in a warm 3rd grade boy lunchtime embrace.   By the end of the lunch period Teddy was twirling my hair and proud of his mother. It's hard to keep up.

I was sick yesterday. Norah was so kind about it and kept telling me to rest. But when she could not take my lifeless gaze anymore she got really mad and said things like 'you don't like me as much anymore!' 'you're not doing anything anymore! you didn't even make me dinner!' I said in my post-vomiting for hours voice:, "i made you pork chops." She said 'yeah but then you didn't even put them on the plate. DADDY had to do it.!' waaaaaaaaaaah! I went to sleep at 8:30 and she was still throwing quite a dramatic fit for Karl about my failures as a mother. He got her through it and we all slept and today is a Brand New Day.

Perfect Happiness

2011-10-27T16:59:00.000-07:00

Happiness
Raymond Carver

So early it's still almost dark out.
I'm near the window with coffee,
and the usual early morning stuff
that passes for thought.

When I see the boy and his friend
walking up the road
to deliver the newspaper.

They wear caps and sweaters,
and one boy has a bag over his shoulder.
They are so happy
they aren't saying anything, these boys.

I think if they could, they would take
each other's arm.
It's early in the morning,
and they are doing this thing together.

They come on, slowly.
The sky is taking on light,
though the moon still hangs pale over the water.

Such beauty that for a minute
death and ambition, even love,
doesn't enter into this.

Happiness. It comes on
unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really,
any early morning talk about it.

This is the poem that I think of lately... when I look down at one of their faces, smiling up at me, and feel the fleeting surge of pure happiness. That unexpected feeling that you spend your whole life trying to attain and yet it comes on in the most unexpected of times. Last week they all wanted to go for a run with me. I had such a wonderful alone time with each one of them... Teddy actually RAN and could've gone on way longer than I could have. Norah was her sweet self, gripping my hand and looking up at me with her squinty wonderful smile, saying 'it's just a mommy and norah run.' She kept trying to run but she couldn't quite do it... but she was so happy. When it was Vivi's turn I just remember her face laughing up at me and feeling that exhilarating purity. That feeling that I would guess that people chase with drugs. It just all comes down to that feeling. There is no purer reason or happiness. It seems so odd, how much we chase it! Where is happiness? It's a little trickster, peeking out unexpectedly- you point it out to your friend and when they turn it's already hidden again. A Snuffelupagus.

Brothers and Sisters

2011-10-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

Last Friday night we had to get to Norah's MicroSoccer game at 6pm. Karl was chaperoning a middle school dance, his number one favorite part of his job, and so I was on my own to make it happen. No biggie. I used to think it was hard, when right at the time of departure, the baby would poop up her back onto her onesie and I had to change her. That was way worse, and let me never forget it. But it's still no picnic to get the 3 kids fed and out of the house for anything, ever.   I could seriously say 'Let's go to Disneyworld and get ice cream sundaes on the way there!' and one of them would suddenly have to go poop and look for her favorite doll or purse or 'cella' phone, or throw a fit because they didn't get to finish whatever game they were playing before they would just go load up in the car already!!

So I made sloppy joes and baked beans and carrots for dinner before we left. Ted has to eat one bite of whatever veggie we are having that night: New Rule for third graders. So the 'veggie' was a single, small, tiny, itty bitty, baked bean. He threw one of his big food fits about it, but finally slumped down into his chair, took the bean off of his plate, smeared it around all over his tshirt to take off the 'sauce', and finally gulped it down whole, and then he only ate a bite or two of the flavorless ground beef I've tried to serve up with salt because they can't tolerate spices or sauce on anything. Meanwhile Norah was eating like a muppet, where the food is never actually swallowed so much as it just flies out of her mouth and around the room, half eaten pieces of carrot on carpet and floor, ground beef all over the chair and rug. And Wivienne's ('MY NAME IS NOT WIVIENNE. It's WIVIENNE.') favorite funny thing is to put all of her food into her milk and drunkenly laugh with her head thrown back.

I was so mad at them! I mean, seriously? Really? So somehow I yelled at them all to get in the car and they all tumbled in together, chastised. So we take off and Norah said "Are you mad mommy?" And I said "YES! I'm mad! You all 3 did the things that you know you're not supposed to do. Ted, you had a fit about your vegetable, Norah, you got food all over the floor, and Vivi, you put your food in your milk! All THREE of you did something just that you KNOW you're not supposed to do!'    They were all quiet and then Teddy said "I'm sorry, Mom." and Norah said "I'm sorry, Mom." and Vivi said 'I'm sowwy Mommy.'
And then Norah said 'We're all so sorry!!' and Ted said 'Yeah, we are all sorry.' and Viv said "we're sowwy mommy."

It was so darn cute. They were all 3 together, just sorry, and they kind of meant it I think.   I melted immediately and Norah said, 'Are you still mad at us?' And I said, 'no, not at all. all is forgiven thank you for saying sorry. I love you guys. Very nice to say sorry'    And we all had a warm feeling, I think, going to the game.   It was just how they were, together, all in it together, that I liked, even though it was kind of together against me. I was their common enemy in a way, and they bonded over that.   All three of them, developing a relationship with one another.    There is something so special about that- a sibling. Somebody that you don't have to be nice to at all.   I like how my brother and sister in my life are just there, and I don't have to make eye contact or be polite to them really,  I don't have to TRY much at all. I just love them. And I assume that they just love me. We were just there together, in the house, going to bed, waking up, eating breakfast, riding to school.  It's all unsaid and unspoken. They will always have been there with you on this organic, inextricable level, running around naked after baths, having tantrums, laying in the basement watching TV, uniting when Mom is MAD.

Sharing the memory of what that house felt like, what the family felt like, what it smelled like, what the nights were like, what the favorite meal was, they share that.    I can, in my mind, go back to grade school and somehow feel it again, the happiness of my favorite tv show, of Mom making popcorn, of hanging out with my sister and brother when there was absoulutely nothing else to do.   And of having a common experience of mom and dad, sun and moon.   It's just special. I'm glad Teddy and Norah and Viv have that.   And I'm glad I have my brother and my sister! So glad! Love you guys.

Karl Rosemond

2011-10-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes our school principal puts not-so-subtle hints in the school newsletter. Xeroxed-looking copies of articles shared with the entire community, intoning us to get off of teachers' butts, stop whining, and quit capitulating to these little child monsters that we've created. John Rosemond appeared this week, his smug mug half smiling at us in grainy black and white... and you hardly have to read more than the expression on his face to know what he's going to tell us. This week it was something about make the kids revolve around you, not the other way around.   I get it. And at heart I'm old school, or at least I'm not built for servitude, and I agree with it.

And yet... I forgive us, we modern parents, for quite a bit.   I mean really, here it is: there was this microscopic sperm and egg that met and cataclysmically, silently, started the chain reaction that started a human life, and it grew into this little pea sized thing, then this little fishie like thing, then it grew into a sea horse, then kind of a hamster, then an actual mini-baby, and then puff puff puff a mewling red faced alien human, covered in slime and ready to begin life on the outside.    This is all quite shocking. When you think about it how do we even walk around calmly with these little creatures in hand when this is the norm. That we are capable of such greatness.   The only reason we think it's normal is because everybody does it. And how, if you are remotely a thoughtful person, do you suppress all of this wonder and amazement that you DID THIS, while simultaneously coping with the fragility that at any moment that little thing could bump its head and all would be lost, with a frank black and white common sense approach to 'PARENTING'.   It's kind of a joke, really, that we are all advised to put sentiment aside when dealing with our children and use discipline, common sense, a sense of authority.

I have no idea what force of creation made it possible for me to be here, let alone for Karl and I to have made it possible for YOU, my children, to be here... and yet there it is. And here we are. And you are all looking at me like I'm supposed to know what to do. I'm as stunned about it all really as you are. And I'm not the best actor. But Karl's a good actor.

So last night Karl had to get after the girls.. they go into their hysterics so easily and loudly that you just have to get louder and more determined than they are when it's time for bed. He yelled something at them like OH NO NO THAT IS NOT WHAT WE ARE DOING in his authority voice. They barely flinch but it's something. So he dubbed himself Karl Rosemond. Trying to kick their butts into bed.  It really works when he sets his mind to it. But he's never smug. The girls constantly flabbergast us out of smug.
They are so cute I have to look away or else my heart will pop.

Yesterday Viv was sitting at the bar, curled up like a cat and twirling her hair, absently eating a goldfish or two when she just broke into tears. Real tears and sobbing. I said 'What's wrong??'   She said "I just wish I had picked a barbie with DOGS' she sobbed. 'I don't want a flying barbie!!!' sob sob sob. Grandma Gloria had let her pick a barbie.   And that's where she's at.

The emotional level is high. Meanwhile Teddy just completely skirts around it, trying not to get ensared. The funniest is when he tries to reason with them. It seems so simple, he must think. They are crying about something so STUPID, he must think. I will just try to explain to them how stupid it is.   That never works. The girls shift what they are mad about if you try to solve what they say they are mad about. The point, my dear, is that they are MAD. He's starting to understand women a bit too well for an 8 year old. It's too soon for him to be this wise.

When Norah gets pissed the steam blows out of her ears and there is no fixing it except distraction.   We have been making boxes for her to write her letters in. So that she knows where to write a letter on a page. She's very into the trappings of school and when I tell her it's homework time she breaks out a red marker and makes boxes all over her page and tells me to write letters in them.    She pretends to be the teacher the whole night yelling at us: "VOICES SHOULD BE OFF KINDERGARTENERS!!"   "ONE IS YOUR EYES TWO IS YOUR EARS THREE IS YOUR LIPS!!!"

We were reading her library book that she got from the School Library. It was called 'Clifford and the Grouchy Neighbors'. The neighbor lady was grouchy with Clifford. Norah got so mad at the neigbor lady that she went back and ripped her grouchy face out of the book. Just the face out of the page. Hmmmmmm.

So now we are going to go tell the school librarian what happened and apologize. Norah wants to do that as much as she wants to go get her flu shot.   I saw her hiding the book in her drawer. Sigh.   We will learn this lesson. It's just that... Norah has a way of trumping my 'PARENTING'. She could truly flat out refuse to participate in my After School Special. Oh well. We'll give it a try. You've gotta admire her unbreakable will. It's vaguely similar to John Rosemond's insistence that we can have control. We can be in control.

Undies in A Bowl

2011-10-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

Vivi's undies are in a bowl in the kitchen cupboard. Grandma Gloria was in town and recognized the girls' need for new underpants and purchased some at the amazing Super Target. They ended up in a bowl under the cupboard. Now every time a girl needs undies in this house they know where to look. I think I'll always have to keep undies in the cupboard from now on.

These are our 3 kids. The kids that I have been at a loss to describe. The kids that I cannot get enough of. I breathe them in and they push away from me. It's a little creepy sometimes the way I smell them like I'm inhaling an intoxicating drug. I'm creepy. But that's okay I guess, it's creepiness out of love.

Norah has started kindergarten now. And like all of us she is still Norah. In kindergarten. And I'm still Ann, as a mother. We are all the same as we always were. Little kindergarteners. And yet... life wears us down into something more and keeps shaping us like a river rock... smoother and smoother all of the time.

Maybe I could start this up again. This heartbreaking focus on love. This break my heart I have to look away feeling that I've grown to have. I think it's in a way a hardening on my part... a hardening to protect the tremendous tenderness of it.

Inspired

2010-06-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

By catherine newman as usual, to write my thoughts down, to treasure each moment with our children... to cradle them each like the trembling, wet little chicks that they are... still freshly hatched from their eggs, still crookedly walking away from those shells, bewildered and bright yellow. They smell like puppies at the end of the day, all fresh and lifey.

Yes, lifey. I know what lifey smells like. And I know what death smells like. And it's all somehow tied to rain and earth and dirt and mud and grass and all things living, dying pulsing... shooting up and out of the earth, unfurling and stretching for their time in the sun and then aging, drooping, drying up, and finally returning, fertilizing, and disseminating.

Everything ends, this blog is ending, going off into the cloud, so to speak. So thank you to my little group of faithful readers! I am now dedicating myself to something that is only for our children, and not for myself, and not for anyone else. That's what matters to me now.

Vivienne Rose Be Two

2010-04-19T18:44:00.000-07:00

If you catch her when she's feeling cooperative, she'll tell you: 'I be two'.

Here she is getting into her shiny new car. Janet told Norah, 'oh no Norah, those are Vivienne's presents', when she was trying to tear into them, and Norah was crying, saying "WHY did Janet SAY that? WHY did Janet say No, Norah!' Norah is asking a lot of why questions. She's put a really new spin on why questions. It's not why is the sky blue... it's 'why did i fall down and bump my head? why did i DO that?'

Anyway, back to Vivi. She liked her car immensely and was THRILLED to see Aleia especially. I checked on them once and Vivi had Aleias face in her hands and she kept saying 'ALEIA' and Aleia was saying sweetly (she'd played with her for quite awhile by that point) 'Vivi, I think your mommy wants to see you upstairs.'

I love this expression on her face... kind of pissed and resigned as Norah and Teddy are blowing out her candles for her. So hard to be the youngest child. Although Karl claims it was really quite nice.
And the next day... they didn't wake up when I took this picture. This was special... we have to be nearing the end of these special naps that you can take on Daddy's chest.

Norah Played Soccer, Teddy Played Football

2010-04-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

Norah ran around and kinda played soccer. Totally sweet. Norah is the only girl on the team for now. Mia is apparently coming in a couple of weeks. Norah liked Chris, the coach, and she liked Gage, who kept running off of the field and rolling around on the grass having a tantrum and doing anything but kicking the ball. She was tickled to be at her very own soccer game. That all has very little to do with playing soccer, but that's 'totally okay' as she says. Chris kept saying "NORAH! OVER HERE!" "NORAH!!! GET THE BALL" and she just kind of languidly looked over and then laid down and stared at the sky. At one point Chris picked her up like a foosball guy and swung her two legs into the ball. Teddy used to just admire his own shadow as he ran across the field. Norah's more just plain goofy. Vivienne was mad as a hornet that she couldn't get onto the field. I ran the entire hour after Viv, trying to get her to snuggle in a blanket or something, to no avail. Just mad and feisty.

Meanwhile Teddy's doing baseball and football. The YMCA PACKERS won their first game, thank you to coach Karl Kaste. They have 3 plays: bread, butter, and thunder. I think that 'melted butter' is coming soon. Karl has the team completely organized and has all those nice dads lining up to help. He's amazin', that husband of mine.

Arizona Adventure Accomplished

2010-04-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

Oh, Accomplished? We hate to use that term, but it feels as if we accomplished SOMETHING. We were that family. The family in the airport line with the kid on the ground kicking and screaming and the baby coughing and puking all over things. No wonder we just praise Teddy to no end, the girls can make him look reeeally good.
That's not to say that the girls were bad. The girls did great, I wanted to tell the people staring at Norah on the floor in disdain. Norah hardly had any fits. She loved everything and was enthusiastic and happy. Teddy was content and peaceful, happy to swim, happy to hang out in the hotel room, floppy and cuddly and smiling that contented little smile that he has when all is well with the world. Lots of chicken fingers and fries. As Vivi says, with her slurpy lisp and just a hint of urgency- the concern that she's not being heard- 'fingews and fwies!'
This was before Vivi swelled up like a rosacea puffer fish from her allergic reaction to the sun:
We had to alter our agenda a bit to keep Vivienne shaded. We spent more time in the hotel room than we had planned, and the girls trashed every inch of it and talked on the phones that we unplugged from their jacks. We took turns doing missions to the pool and we found a couple of fun, dark, shady restaurants for dinner. Yes, the Rainforest Cafe was one of them. Poor Norah had to deal with those thunderstorms and flashing lights every 5 minutes, but the fish tank was good. We even brought home a souvenir glass. Even through the puking and coughing and tantrums that it took to get us ticketed and through security and through 2 hours flight and the drive home. We have been to the Rainforest Cafe and we have the glass to prove it!!!
It was a total break from our routine, which was so nice. Now back to life, and its sadness, and all of the things that are not okay right now. Sweet angels be with my dear dear friend Kristi. She struggled for so long.

The Wrestler

2010-04-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

I just got this and had to scan it in right away. This so PERFECTLY captured Teddy's wrestling stance... and the level of intensity he had in his eye. This was the stage BEFORE he really developed the 'Eye of the Tiger'. Grandpa Steve has been teaching him about the Eye of the Tiger by bringing over the Rocky movies. We've watched Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, and Rocky IV. Rocky V is supposed to be such an awful wreck of a movie that we are all scared to watch it. Vivienne and Norah kind of enjoy these movies as well. Norah, who has never sat and watched a movie in her life, will sit and watch these boxing matches all the way through while munching on her popcorn. She skipped Little Mermaid and went straight to Rocky. Who knows what she is thinking? Vivienne was watching and then turned to me and started punching me, left jab, right jab, left jab, right jab. She wasn't laughing. And Teddy just sits there intently chewing on his hands and studying the lesson in testosterone. He LOVES that stuff.

The Christensens Were In Town

2010-03-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

We had a great time with Stella and Rose. And their parents Molly and Joe. This is the best that we did on the photos, but it's still pretty cute! Stella and Teddy were hiking with Joe and Karl down to the train tracks and ran into some guys waiting to hop the train.. an enlightening experience, I'm sure. We did the Omaha circuit- the Old Market, the Fontenelle Forest, The Amazing Pizza Machine. A ton of fun. We even had a little outing without the children and no one missed a beat. We're heading into Easter, and spring break, and then a calendar dizzingly packed with practices and games. It's fun, it's fun, I keep telling myself. I will miss all of it, I was thinking yesterday as I tried to pee and both girls stood there angrily staring at me b/c I had interrupted our playing. Vivienne tore off some toilet paper and solemnly handed it to me, just to hurry me along a bit. She is so thoughtful! I will miss this, I thought. And I actually will.

Our Nights

2010-03-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

Norah's in this phase where the only thing that she wants to do is make videos of herself doing crazy things. She will tape herself diving off of chairs, picking her nose, running around slamming the doors... she'll tape herself in costumes, in her underpants, never ever any normal clothes. She'll tape herself singing and dancing to her favorite songs, and she'll tape herself reading books. Then she watches them and laughs and laughs. (What was that movie called where those dudes did something similar? 'Jackass', wasn't it? Norah's a girl after those guys' hearts..) It's become such an obsession that I have to limit her to certain times of the day. So this was one of her after dinner sessions. Teddy's doing his homework, Karl and I are having some discussion that looks serious but wasn't, Vivi's floating around, and, most importantly, Norah is enjoying her favorite birthday present- her new Murray Wiggle costume and guitar. She really starts to put it all together toward the end. She is one of a kind!!!

Norah Grace is 4

2010-03-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

A very small and lovely birthday party for Norah, before she got the nasty coughing virus to end all viruses:

She was 4, and although she ignored her guests and just played with her crazy Murray costume the whole time, I think it lived up to all of her expectations. She loved it and was thrilled with everything. Thanks so much to the Podliskas for helping us to celebrate. You should rent yourselves out as family party guests, you're so good at it. There are lots of us out there who are looking for some extra in-town cousins- really fun ones, like Simon and Aleia. Think about it.

Norah was a doll on her birthday but then got a coughing thing that broke the blood vessels in her face, burned her up to a 103 temp, and generally ruined our week. It came on slowly, during Grandma Gloria and Papa's visit, and kind of crested after they left. So for the most part we were able to enjoy the visit. Of Grandma Gloria and Papa. (AND FRANCIS. Norah will always insist, if I leave him out) Teddy was so sad when they left. He loves them so.

Norah endured through her coughing and coughing and more coughing and now Vivienne has started the process. Last night she was running the fever and I had to put her in the tub to clean her up, from that last bit of puke that was still in her hair and the strangely foul smelling ear discharge that plasters hair into her ear canal. She resisted getting in, and then she sat in the warm water resignedly and miserably, and then she didn't want to get out. When I got her out I wrapped her up and she was shivering, and oh, I could just feel that fever chill. And I got her jammied up and wrapped up in blankets and I rocked her and she immediately melted into me and fell asleep in my arms. Feverish and sleeping. Knowing that Norah survived through this made me a little less worried about my baby. She's still so little, my baby Vivienne, with her dainty arms and legs and upturned tiny nose and ethereal eyes. She still lets us hold her. All 23 pounds of her. Norah and Teddy are hard to hold these days. Teddy twists all of my embraces into some wriggling wrestling capture. And Norah, you just have to catch her when she's tired. Then she'll let you love her up.

Norah's still coughing but Karl just got up last night whenever she started and rolled her onto her side. That seemed to work. The worst thing about Norah being sick is that we get out of her routines. I let her wear her snow jammies during the day when she had that big fever and now I'm paying for it. We'll get back to our tightly run ship. Who am I kidding. We'll get back to our rickety Chinese rowboat.

How many days/weeks have I spent like this over the last few years? The days that I don't get out of my pajamas and just sit with sick kids. The house doesn't get cleaner and it's just such an oppressive time. The amount of time that the kids and I have just been cooped up this winter is an all time record. Due to sickness and horrid weather it's just been week after week after week of existing inside of our house. Somebody let us out. Our vacation is coming up!

Teddy's Birthday

2010-02-28T18:19:00.000-08:00

We had quiet birthdays this year, with kind of simple parties. It was nice and not as stressful as some years. We had a pizza machine party for Teddy, and it ended up being a bit of a disappointment, I think. I think this because at the end of the day he was kind of writhing is discomfort and tearing up and saying it was NOT a good birthday. Not because anything was particularly disappointing, but because Teddy is now at the age where the magical fantasy of childhood is starting to clash with the reality of everyday human life on this Earth. It's like watching him emerge from the unicorns, rainbows, and mists of complete innocence and fantasy, and arrive at the loud and impersonal train station that is life. That's the only way to describe it. Other than THAT, it was a good seventh birthday. He's so big. He's so special. He's so perfect. Gush Gush Gush. What can I say? The kid is fun. He's fun to be around. He gets jokes. He's just a blast, most of the time, except when he lays on the couch kicking his legs in the air and whining 'what can I dooooooo????'
After he got over the fatigue of the birthday day, he was more positive about it and gave it an "A. Not an A+." Not bad. Karl and I had to dig deep into our reservoirs of maturity when he was saying that he didn't like it. Because we both knew it wasn't about the birthday, it was about growing up. I suppose for all of us, it was about growing up. For me, too... I want to recreate the magic of childhood for our children. And when I fail, oh, sigh, I fail. But that's ok. As Teddy says, 'That's just life!"

Simon and Teddy. The best of friends. They are the cutest pair. They just completely accept each other and parallel play, come together, and float apart. They just adore each other. More importantly, and more indicative of lasting friendship, they just accept each other.

This is his friend Annie. He really just stuck to Annie the whole party. They even look alike. They just seem to be good friends. Quiet and silly and sweet. There is something about Annie. She's just like a cool river.
And here's Norah at her first day of swimming lessons! She loves it. When I told her that she got to go again this week, she said 'AGAIN??' Yes, WEEKLY swimming lessons! Norah's birthday was yesterday- I'll post soon.

Late February

2010-02-23T17:46:00.000-08:00

Norah can get all of her snow stuff on by herself. She starts with undies, no clothes, then puts on her snowpants, boots (no socks), and a nice warm coat and mittens. With Norah I pick my battles... she seems warm enough in that getup. She marches outside all by herself, makes a few snow angels, goes down the slide, and comes back in. She's been doing this at least once a day. She brought home a funny picture from preschool. In it she had a blank, strange stare at the camera. I didn't think much of it, not the most flattering picture is all. Last night when I put her to bed she brought it up- she said- 'I look like this in the picture at preschool- (here she imitated her facial expression) but it's just because I felt a little nervous, that's all.' !!! That was a new level of reflection. A little sign of growth and change. If it wasn't 9:30 and my being so tired of parenting for the day I might have cried. As it was, I smiled. Oh sweetie.
Here's Teddy with some kind of helmet-organized predictions. We are having a small bday party this year for him and could only invite a few kids. I was worried b/c one of the boys asked him about it and it made me fret about excluding people. I said, well, honey, how would you feel if you didn't get invited to his party? And, typical Teddy, he just shrugged and shook his head while jumping up and down on the couches and said sincerely 'That's just Life!'
Here's Vivienne's first snow outing. She just stands there smiling. Not sure what to do. Getting used to the boots crunching and breaking through the snow. She's been an absolute joy, taking care of her babies, reading her books, loving life. Saying "I don"t like it." "No." and "Go away." We don't take her too seriously.

Elvis, Valentines Day

2010-02-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

WINNER of the Elvis Contest at St. Gerald for Catholic Schools week:
I keep feeling like I forced him into it, but I swear he was into it. He even woke up early that morning so that we could do his hair!! I guess he stood on the stage and whoever got 'the most claps' (his words) won. So he got the most claps. He had to stand in front of the whole school!

The unplanned star of the TLC Valentine's preschool show....

She started out in the front row with lots of flopping on the ground and flashing of her bloomers, but with Mrs. Cosgrove's stern but loving insistince, she really did a beautiful job with the songs. Peace is Flowing Like a River was a little edgy, but by the time we got to Five Little Monkeys all eyes were on her as she was quite animated and she had all the words down. 'Hysterical!' 'What a little Performer!' were some of the comments I heard. This mama is so proud. So proud. I kept squeezing her and when I put her down for her nap today I said, 'oh norah, you're my little sweetie.' and she said, just like Olivia would, 'mama, you're my little sweetie too.'

And my little buddy, with me wherever I go, lovely and easy as a springtime day. Hanging out with her is like a day on the beach.

Winter... On and On and On

2010-01-18T16:30:00.000-08:00

We are hanging in there. It's a long haul, this winter. We just hardly ever go outside, except through dirty parking lots, running through muddy snowy slush. Teddy and Karl have been doing some snow football at night. Norah joins them for a bit. And Viv stays busy with her different duties. The duties she's assigned herself. The coolest thing we've been noticing lately is how much Vivi and Norah feel like one unit- 'the girls'. Vivi wants to be right up with Norah, and yet she's so different from her in temperment, that it's just a stitch. Norah thinks Viv's funny... they cuddle together at bedtime in Norah's bed. Vivi plays possum so that maybe I won't notice her and put her in her own bed. Today for naps I went in and they were snugged in like 2 peas in a pod, and Norah was insisting that Vivi sleep with her. It was so cute. Then I put them down for their naps and they're hollering to each other behind their closed doors, singing and kicking. It's really something. Something I never, ever expected, these two girls!
Here's Norah, keeping herself busy at Teddy's wrestling tournament on Sunday.
And here's Teddy wrestling! He really wants to do it. He just needs somebody to tackle and writhe around with. And I don't enjoy that job very much, and Karl fills in when we don't have practice, so now we're covered. Are all boys like this? I'll bet boys who have brothers get their aggressions out that way. So I'm appreciating the wrestling. It's something physical, at least. Norah could use a wrestling club. Today was pajama day at preschool, but I didn't let her wear the snow jammies. Too many stains and holes. I just couldn't do it. But she got to bring Kiki, it was wonderful.

Correction

2010-01-13T06:38:00.000-08:00

Those predictions were for 2010, not the playoffs. His predictions for the playoffs are entirely different! Oh, Mommy is not paying attention here!

Perdichins

2010-01-12T11:49:00.000-08:00

Here are Teddy's Predictions for the upcoming playoffs (another one, that we did not scan, was entitled 'perdickshins':

Teddy is changing and blossoming, if you can say that boys 'blossom'. They 'bloom' in the way that you bloom yeast. They grow and change. He's getting more vigorous, somehow. He's hanging in there with his wrestling. On Sunday night at dinner we had a discussion over where he should attend college, what kinds of grades he should get in order to get to college, how to find a school where he can learn to be a sports broadcaster. In that cross between a surfer and Grant Kaste-influenced speech that he uses now, he muttered something about how he's going to have to follow the draft and the injury reports and the players and the records etc etc if he's going to have that job. He kind of shook his head but seemed ready for the challenges. He breaks my heart, this sweet and lovely boy- so sadly accepting of the fact that he has no peer in his sports obsessions, other than grown men. 'I'm not like other kids my age,' he said. 'I'm so beyond them.' But then later he said 'I'm so beyond kids my age in sports, but I can't do things that other kids my age can do, like ride a 2 wheel bike.' He says this all, kind of happily observant of himself... shrugging, like it's all just rather interesting, not good, or bad, and I truly couldn't ask for more. Oh as long as they can accept themselves they can be ANYTHING they want to be. I mean it when I say that I just want them to be happy. All mothers say that... the problem is that we mothers think we know what will make them happy, right??

I've been asked if he can be in a fantasy football league next year and I said yes, as long as he's not on the smack talk email list. That should make him happy!!

Norah is doing well. She has told me 'I love you, Mommy.' a couple of times this week. This morning she was throwing a fit but then she stopped herself and said, 'I'm sorry I threw a fit. I'm all done with my tears,' and she wiped those tears away. My little Norah. She sees her tears as something strangely fascinating that happens to her... she's always going off to deal with them with a towel. 'I got my tears off' she'll say. She tries so hard. I can tell that all of the rules and regulations of life don't make any sense to her, but she wants to be good. She wants to do the right things... it's just not natural to her to know what the social norms might be. It's all a mystery of trial and error and then an exercise of memory to enact the right behaviors. None of it comes very... organically. But again, she tries so hard! Karl and I are constantly making eye contact with that knowledge... how hard she's trying, how confusing things are but how she wants to please. It's sweet and heartbreaking and frustrating and wonderful and exhausting. Her big thing right now is to dance in front of the computer with the computer camera turned on so that she can watch herself almost like a mirror, but with cool color effects. She dons her new dress ups and dances around. Last night she BEGGED to wear Teddy's 'wrestling swimming suit' also known as a singlet, and dance in front of the camera. Okay, okay.

Vivo's good. She just hops around pleased as punch with herself and loving us all. Begging for junk food and Victor Vito, 'Vittor Beeto' her favorite song. On repeat.

More Snow Days!

2010-01-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

I so failed to take pictures in Minnesota. I don't know why, and now I'm really missing them. Luckily Mom had taken a few here that showed some last moments of Christmas. The image that I'm most missing from Minnesota, the picture that I did not take, is that of Norah in her full puffy snow suit, on her toboggan, as Karl picks her up on the snowmobile for ice skating. He drove right up to the back door and placed her on the toboggan and she just looked so perfect and padded as she rode down to the ice. That and the picture of the babysitter sleeping, which we've all agreed should not be made public, and has been permanently archived, so I hear.

We had a great trip up North-- never have we been so happy to arrive as that Sunday when we drove 11 1/2 hours, passing car after car in the ditch, creeping up I-29, to get to Grandma's for Christmas. It was pretty special, the kids were so happy to be there, it was just good. Norah's dress up box from Garth and Colleen and kids claimed that you could make like 50 outfit combinations out of the different pieces, and I'm quite sure that she came close to achieving all variants on the possibilities over the week. The boys played football outside in the snow, below zero and all. And Vivienne was herself, don't touch me, but look at me, and LOVE me. : )

So now here we are, back again. Three more snow days this week. Three! Teddy had 2 days of school and now we're back to lockdown. I completely surrendered myself to it today and found myself playing Playmobil with the kids for an hour. It's a vet clinic- and you should SEE all the different things you can do! I did not play WITH the kids today, I actually played with their toys. Scary.
But hey, we are all regressing- Teddy was rocking the girls' babies and giving them bottles. And he has never done that. Not that we discourage that around here! I'm just saying- I was surprised. Now tomorrow - another snow day. I haven't taken pictures of the activities that we do on snow days. Believe me, you don't want to see it. All is well. Just kind of trapped together feeling. But we all kind of like being trapped together, I think.

Norah's princess dress from Grandma:

Blogging From the Blizzard

2009-12-25T14:45:00.000-08:00

It doesn't feel like much of a blizzard, but we've been housebound on Christmas Day nonetheless. It was a cozy cozy day, though- we didn't get up and open presents until 8AM. And we took naps. Teddy was up at 6:20 arranging the gifts into piles but somehow he contained himself until the girls woke up. He was just the right level of cheerleader and enthusiastic participant in the gifts. He was just right. He almost always is. Norah's been a little out of it since her adenoid surgery- she's dazed and confused but overall, she's pleasant. She was gently excited with each of her gifts and played with them in that nice way she has... a little disinterested, but giving it a good try.

I was okay with being around the house and watching the snow fall- I think we all were- we are in such a mode of being home and being together it's become very natural. This December has been keeping us all pretty close to home and pretty close together. Vivienne loved her gifts but got a little stressed from all the pressures of feeding, shopping, napping, and strollering her babies around. Her new gifts were greeted with more of a grim 'gotta get to work' attitude than delight. Poor Viv. At one point she was frustrated with one of her babies, trying to jam it into the stroller or something, and Karl just told her 'just walk away.'

The night we set up the Christmas tree...
Decorating cookies with Wes and Ewan...

An untouched Beth Jansen photo... those eyes! And oreo cookies on her face. One of the things Vivi says very clearly is 'OWEO COOKIE.' as she looks at you with that serious Princess Pout.
Norah and Vivi playing Mary and Joseph.
Next stop, Minnesota.

Humbling. Thanksgiving.

2009-12-01T11:31:00.000-08:00

It is difficult to write about all of the good things that are happening in our lives when there are sad things too, that I haven't wanted to be morbid or awful for mentioning. I think about reading back on entries from this time, however, and thinking of myself as pathologically cheerful in the face of the suffering of others. My family, my original family, is moving and shifting away from its original form, tetonic shifting, painful, heartbreaking shifting. It's been so sad that it's shut me up for once. It's been so sad that I haven't even wanted to unload it to my best friends, or keep Karl up late at night analyzing it. It's been so sad that I've been stunned into just being quiet. And moving my body and mind through the rituals of caring for my little family. Having children is amazing... the way it takes everything heated and stressful and awful and just abruptly changes the subject. There's apple juice to be poured and a diaper to change and pancakes burning and cub scout achievement beads to be found. (I told Teddy that I wish he were a Girl Scout, so that we wouldn't have to deal with these freaking beads all of the time!) And although you can cry or snap at the kids and whine 'don't you know what i'm going through?' (That's a joke. I would never say that.) it really doesn't do any good when you have those 6 eyes all blinking at you expectedly. So my point. My point is I'm humbled by the quiet workings of these three little people, ours for such a short time. By the way Vivi hugs me as tightly as she can and says 'oh, mommy. oh,mommy'. By the way Norah and I snug in her bed at night and tell stories. A firm point on my chest, then her own, as she says firmly: 'You talk, I listen.' Teddy writing letters to girls in his class, "Dear ___, You are prity and I like your smile and you are good at gams' Love, Teddy" Perhaps I'm calling them 'quiet workings' because I've felt a bit as if I'm looking at them through the dirty window of my own gloom. OH HO- that's a good sentence! No worries, as far as these kiddos know, all is well in the world. Mr. Moon and Mr. Sun show up and go to bed and the universe is aligned fairly well. The occasional bout of itchy buns or hurt feelings comes up. But that's it, and that's the way it should be.

So here are 4 of the kiddos in OK on Thanksgiving weekend:

Norah was sooo enthralled with the pets. She went into animal mode where she like seriously communicates with the animals. She was gushing to me about Kahlua, the Jansen's german shepherd. 'Kahlua's a really nice girl. She is so soft. She's really comfortable. She's... wonderful.'
Here are the boys. They made some good attempts at playing their own game of baseball without their dads! Where were their dads? I'm sure investigating the microbrew situation in the fridge, or some other big important business like that : )
And here was teddy, before Thanksgiving. We went to a Creighton game with Grandpa Steve and Teddy made his own P. Allen Stinnett jersey. He told me he did it for me so that I wouldn't have to spend all that money on a new tshirt for him. He was also very proud of it- he took off his coat the minute we got into the game and self conscously looked around to see if anyone was noticing his awesome shirt.
Things are okay. Everything will be okay.

Catching up From October

2009-11-06T04:21:00.000-08:00

As Cynthia noted in her essay on Grandma Gloria last summer, here's an example of Grandma Gloria and Norah 'talking it over'.
Here is a very poor photo of Vivi, but it shows how she plays lately with the organizing and lining up of any object she can find into a strange mix that could only possibly make sense in her brain. In this play session she was administering medicine to her babies. Her play is soooo unique. All 3 of our kids have incredible imaginations, that's for sure. Reality/fantasy have never quite separated, even for Teddy. Um, okay, even for me I don't think I've quite separated the two. Vivi's is so vivid already. Yesterday she lined up her babies and read to them! She seems too little to be doing that already!
Here's an example of baby pile, or baby sandwich, or as our nanny Fran called it, 'bury the baby'. This is where Vivi lays her babies on the ground and builds a big pile, exactly like a bird builds a nest, of every last thing she can find, on top of them. It is reaaallly wierd and realllllly reallllly cute. Norah was helping her build it this time:
Here's another photo from our last trip up north. Karl was so proud of the chicken fingers and fries/pop lunch he'd organized for them. (OH- was that a snarky tone I just took? It was. It was a little snarky. He actually was about to be gushing blood out of his head from his ear infection, and yet he pulled this off. He should be commended. No photos of the bloody pus ear infection. Sorry.)

And here is our baby. Our lovey dovey. Wearing all of Norah's ill-fitting hand-me-downs.
I have to mention Norah's play lately. I think their play is so fun to analyze. Her play is all this dress up fantasy, but it's multi-layered. She starts as one of the wiggles. Then she'll put on say, a ladybug costume.. So she runs around saying 'I'm Murray. I'm being a ladybug' And yesterday she added another layer- she was Murray, dressed up as a ladybug, pretending to be the fire chief. So then she throws her voice really low and goes around pretending to burn herself. It started to make my head spin, it was really so weird. And then Vivi was doing 'bury the baby' and Teddy was doing his top-of-the-lungs football announcing game. It was all happening at once and I just went into a kind of vertigo where I thought I'd go mad.

But we made it, had beef stew for dinner and took baths and went to bed. We haven't floated off into fantasy insanity permanently, but sometimes I get a little scared.

Happy Halloween

2009-11-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

Oh October was busy. So busy, no blogging. Mostly no blogging b/c someone shoved play doh in my usb outlet for my camera cord and i couldn't upload pics. Without pictures I get a little uninspired. But how 'bout these pics for inspiration??

It was a good October but too busy for my taste. I arrived places panting and disheveled, explaining how busy and sorry I was for being so discombobulated. I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling a big calm come over us as we head into the holidays. All 3 squirrels seem good and have gotten through their first big fever viruses. Norah loves preschool, Teddy's enjoying the structure at school, the rules and the religion and the opportunity to be so smart. He said to us the other day.... 'why am i the smallest person in my class, (at this point I cringed, felt bad, started trying to think of what to say) and then he finished: 'and yet I have the biggest brain??'

He's reading all of this right as I type it, maybe I shouldn't write that story. Hmmm.

Norah is jumping around the house in her usual big bang type of way... and Vivi kind of floats around saying things like 'dank u mommy!' when I give her something to drink. Sigh, she's lovely.

It was a fall full of changes and busy stuff. I think we are all excited for all that we have to look forward to.

Symbiotic

2009-09-26T05:28:00.000-07:00

Norah in my bridesmaid's dress from Valerie's wedding. She's been digging in the old bridesmaid's dresses. Quite fun. That's what I saved them for! Just in case. I ever had a daughter. And now I'm a hen with these 2 chicks following me everywhere...

I have had the feeling lately that everything that happens to one of us happens to all of us. In this little family. Things seem to snowball. If someone was mean to Teddy it seems to be the day that didn't go so well for me either. And I find myself thinking about the day in terms of how it went for The Kastes, not any particular one of us. I felt it acutely tonight, I was driving the girls home in the dark. Teddy was somewhere else, Karl somewhere else. We were all apart for the evening and yet I felt every set of headlights that I passed was a kind of small victory... get these girls home safe. Get Teddy home safe. Get Karl home safe. We are all moving as one unit right now, the kids so small with no other life besides this little family. We feel like one organism.

Karl's look alike:

The Cub Scout:

We know (and Love) a Famous Artist

2009-09-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

Teddy's First Day of School, Norah's First Day of School, and the Tent Trick

2009-08-29T18:02:00.000-07:00

Here's our proud Teddy on his first day of school. He has been high on life this week. His famous quote was, after getting in the car after soccer practice: 'Mommy, I love you. I just feel very... peaceful. Peaceful, and.... hard working.' Could he possibly be cuter. No. He could not. Here's Vivi getting in on the knee pad action. Norah had to have knee pads like our neighbors Sam and Leo have. She just really wanted them. She kept saying: 'hafta go to supatarget and get my pads' which always made me laugh for its double meaning... i'm sure i'll be hearing that again in about 10 years.
Finally she got them and has already completely lost interest in pads.
Here she is on the back to school open house night. She went and loaded up her back pack when I said it was time to go!
And here she is on the first day of preschool. She was so shy and nervous. She wrings her hands like that when she's not sure of something. I was thinking she was going to be okay but then she got the big frowny face and started crying... 'Mommy's NOT gonna go!' "I want to go home!" Finally I left her and she did alright. This is so good for her but it's not easy to leave her. She was happy to see me at 11:30 and right away said 'let'sgohomeandhavelunchcaniwearmysnowjammies?ofcourseyoucan!'
And here was Karl's grand idea for Saturday night- to get out the tent. Everyone loved it of course and Teddy declared that he wasn't going inside for the rest of the night. He just hung out by and around the tent all night. He ran in for a few necessities, like the ipod and pajamas, but he really did stay out there. He and Karl slept in the tent and it was so funny- they slept well and it was like no big deal at all- they just acted as if they'd slept in the house! I guess I thought that they'd be hung over and tired from sleeping on the ground, but they were just fine. Outdoorsmen, those two.

Twilight

2009-08-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

We had a reeeallly nice night the other night. This fall air is here so early this year - it's like fake fall scent pumped in through the vents- like the oxygen in Vegas casinos. But no, it's real... and it fills everyone with this energy. Is there anything better? That smell and the anticipation of it all. Nothing is more cozy. Food tastes better. It was one of those nights where we just ate this great meal and the fresh air came in and the kids played around us and I thoughtlessly put a dish or two into the dishwasher... then drifted off and read a book to someone or snugged in a blanket. And I didn't think about 'what SHOULD Teddy be doing?' His end of summer lethargy has taken its toll and I'm fairly desperate to get him engaged in something I deem positive and mentally stimulating. But I dropped that. I dropped it. And I dropped it for Norah, the anxiety about Norah, and why we're still running around naked all of the time and playing in the toilet water. And Vivi. Actually I didn't drop anything about Vivi because she was just being GOOD.
It's not to say that I'm always harping on them about these things. I'm just saying that there are always those nagging worries that you have about your kids and it's hard to let them go. They are just THERE, always in the background. But once in awhile I get awash in total acceptance, of life, of them, of the door falling off its hinges or the whatever it is that's not perfect. That's the kind of night it was. The kids played hide and seek with each other- without us playing!- for a few minutes. And then I played, and Karl put together our new lockers, which are going to organize our lives into a tightly run perfection of sorts, and everything was ssoooo sweet. And I got inspired to write about it because we all felt so safe, so safe in a way that I will always return to. I got a little wistfully sad, of course, because we were all so happy. And somehow those happy safe evenings of childhood can haunt you in a way... it's a feeling you can try to recapture, a feeling of security and love and happiness. A feeling that they may not have when they sit in their studio apartments in their early twenties trying to figure out what to do with themselves, a longing that they won't be able to put their fingers on.

Karl had a birthday, a 36 year old kind of birthday that we marked with a nice bottle of cabernet and a big happy birthday sign.
Janet has been concerned lately about Norah, she gets up and eats something then plops herself right down in the middle of the floor on top of Kiki and goes back to sleep. We thought she was sick for awhile, but it's just her new thing. In fact I'm typing right now because she got up early, ate her waffle, laid on the couch for awhile pretending to snore, and then without my having said anything, threw herself back into bed. She's been an absolute stitch with her play lately. A lot of pretend play between the Wiggles...she is of course Murray, and then she's always falling and asking Jeff and Anthony to come pick her up. Lots of drama. She's also still into being a fireman. She takes her voice really deep and walks around pretending to burn herself and then yells OW!. She's also interested in breaking her limbs. She wraps her arm up in a blanket and talks about her cast. And she wants to be an astronaut and go to the moon. Oh- and she's pretty much teaching herself to read. She takes the books off the shelf, all of which she's memorized, and points to the words. It hasn't all clicked... but it's amazingly close for her age. She is SO unique. I could not just send this girl to any preschool. We have to observe her closely to see where this is all going. On the back of one of her books Spot and his mom were building a block tower. The blocks said S-P-O- and T. She read them, S, P, O, T. And then she swiped her finger across the letters, 'TOWER.' she said. Oh- and when I read her book at night before bed she actually reads it to me. She has to hold it, she has to read the words. My job is to just sit there.

And When I say Vivi was being 'good' I mean that Vivi's normal M.O. these days is to take anything of Norah's and say "MINE" which just tortures poor Norah to death. Norah's such a kind little thing. She takes toys out of kids' hands, sure, but it's not usually been to torture them. It's only been because she wants the toy. Vivi is muuuch more interested in the emotional reaction than the toy. Although she's very good to her babies. She walks around saying 'baby. baby' And she throws them over her shoulder and gives them a couple loving pats on the back. She is, as usual, her bewitching self. That's always the word I think of when I look into those eyes. She's interested in shoes and dresses, and backs herself into my lap when she sees a new dress to put on. Then she gets up and twirls around and cocks her head to show it off. ??????? Where ???? Did THAT come from???? Where does she come from? This sprite, this elf.
Teddy started school today. I'm so behind on this blog post, but there it is. He started school, minus a front tooth. He's enthusiastic and is claiming it as the best day of school ever, better even than preschool was. I love it!! I can't take any of these moods too seriously... if he'd come home defeated and melancholy it could very well just mean that he needs a hot cocoa and some lounge around time, but it makes my job so easy to see him happy. Isn't that the sad truth? We want our loved ones to be happy partially because it just makes our lives so much easier. No having to figure out how to bolster someones' spirits. No need for pep talks. But things are looking up for first grade! They have fish in the classroom! And he was very impressed that the teacher let him color in his bear in any color he wanted. Um, okay. Maybe things were a little too strict in kindergarten??

Good Stuff

2009-07-29T05:29:00.000-07:00

Oh my yummy pudding pops! I always liken them to food. And I always tell them that I want to eat them up. They never really seem to understand that very much... but how can you describe to them how much you want to inhale them and all of their delicious wild summer dirty tan sweaty sweet childishness?

Wesley and Ewan are in town. They spent the night and got up in the morning like 2 little mice...picture a frenetic violin concerto and the 2 of them haphazardly running around each other. Wesley had Ewan run up the stairs and check things out... then they kind of scurried around up and down the stairs... then Ewan said in a definitively loud whisper... 'NOBODY'S AWAKE, WES!' Finally we did all wake up and Wesley read to Norah on the couch. He was also reading to Ewan, but Ewan listened in an acrobatic kind of way, flipping upside down and spiralling and sliding across the couches. They are so funny. And Wesley is particularly nice to Norah.

Norah's been dressing up a lot lately and playing with her dolls and her dollhouse. We will find her baby put to sleep sweetly with a blanket over her... and if you don't interrupt the reverie she'll go on and on. Of course her collhouse dolls are all naked, which just bothers me, but hey. I wasted all of my time at target the other day looking for new clothes for the dolls. I hadn't even gotten the groceries yet and the kids were done. So half the time I'll find naked norah (because she's had an accident being so absorbed in her dolls) happily playing with her naked dolls.

Vivienne has her own baby doll, and she marches around with it proudly saying 'mine.' She says that everything is 'mine'. It's so sad/funny that human nature is such that competitiveness comes to us before enjoyment. She has no idea what a doll is or does but she knows that Norah has one and she must have one too. It reminds me of last winter when teddy was obsessed with his football helmets, scraping them across the floors with his running sports broadcaster commentary and the girls would dig in his helmets and scrape them across the floor, confused, trying to crack the code about what made these helmets so exciting???

Vivi learns so much from watching Norah, though, and she's such a baby right now. I'm particularly in love with holding her and soaking her in... our last baby, and such a good baby to cuddle. She gives us the BEST hugs, resting her head on your chest and giving your back 2 or 3 good pats... and letting you just linger there for awhile before she makes any more demands. Sigh. That's good stuff.

Norah's also dressing up like a fire chief lately, she's always liked the fire chief coat, but now she's got a deep manly voice that she'll use when she dresses up. She'll say, all bellowy, 'oh, i'm the fire chief'. The other day she ran over to her play stove and put her hands on the burners and said in the fire chief voice 'OW. I got burned!' So somehow she knows that the fire chief is associated with burns but I'm impressed at her take on this deliberate, self inflicted burning that the fire chief does. Norah ALWAYS has a new way of looking at things.

And Teddy? Oh Teddy. He has not been forgotten! But he has been so busy lately, first with his MN cousins, then with Wes and Ewan, not to mention all of his basebally playing in the street... sometimes I feel like he's all grown up. He comes, he eats something, and he goes back to playing. Somehow things seem to have gone awry, however, with the neighbor kids and no one has been out lately. Just the really big kids and they haven't been very nice. That's been a little hard to understand and we're trying to pull him back in a bit, have him spend some time just home with us... just keep him little a while longer. He doesn't need to be a big kid yet.

Summer Vacation

2009-07-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

We've had such a lovely summer. I haven't written in so long that I'll have to just kind of jot down the highlights of the things that I remember and that I will want the kids to remember. We do always keep at the forefront of our minds the specialness of these trips to visit Fertile in the summer. There's something about watching the kids in that environment that you can just FEEL the nostalgia seeping out of it as it happens. It's that good. Grant and Colin were so good to Teddy this year and he hung with the big boys for the first time. Grant is such a heroic figure pitching in his baseball games AND being so sweet to Teddy to boot. Teddy had a great time spending the whole day watching Grant play in his tournament and reporting to Colleen every out, pitch, and play in the event that she missed one. He rode with Grandma Gloria in her electric truck to see the 'girls' and pick the eggs. He rubbed Colleen and Gretchen's backs and when they took him to the grandstand at the fair. He ate bomb pops as dessert after breakfast, after lunch, and after dinner. He caught NINE- count 'em NINE- fish with Papa off of the paddleboat. He woke up sleepy, ate bran muffins, played video games, and fell into bed exhausted at the end of each day. He rode the rides at the fair and the only thing he skipped was the bounce house- not his deal- all of that clambering and climbing.

Which brings me to Norah, whose deal it defintely was. The first day she had Cora push her by the butt up to the top of the bounce house but by the end she was clambering up all by herself and rushing down the slide.. she looked like a little piece of driftwood in white water rapids. She spent most of her days in her snow jammies- not even deigning to acknowledge when people would ask 'AREN"T YOU HOT???' She got into a great routine after her lunches: 'caniwatchadragontalesandhaveanicecreamsandawhich??' That's how Norah talks. Allinonebignonstopmix. She took great big happy naps and had trouble getting to sleep at night. Cora helped her and played with her and was so patient with her. She had a great time but of all of us she was happiest to get home after the trip. She likes her yellow house and she likes her bed and she likes her routines. She also liked the chickens and, of course, Francis. Which brings me to Vivienne... Vivienne loved Francis as well, and she keeps bringing him up... she'll say 'sis?' sis?" and then pant. Now she's pointing to lots of animals and saying 'sis?sis?' and panting like a dog. It's so cute- on the way home in the car was the first time she did it- she was just sitting there and then she kind of just brought it up. An independent thought coming out of that baby brain.. and then she tries to communicate it with language. It's a miracle! I notice such a change in her since the trip. She's talking sooo much now and totally mimicking and torturing her big brother and sister. She was a hair pulling monster in MN. Colin had it right when she was giving him this nice hug- he said 'she's only doing that b/c she wants me to bend down and hug her back so she can pull my hair.' Right he was!!! He figured her out right away. I had to extract her from all of the kids' hair several times. She's just so pleased with her power. Lovely, bewitching baby girl.

Teddy and Papa going out to fish....

Norah in the bounce house....
Teddy with a s'more...

Vivi Vivi Vivi... ate a lot of sand but appears to have survived...

Grandma with her boys. Oh how she is loved!!

Bachelorette Party

2009-06-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

Here are Norah and Vivi playing in the sandbox. Ah, sisters. The photo before these they were playing so nicely together... then I got the camera and this is the typical progression. Karl and Teddy were in Chicago this weekend and we had a couple of days with just the girls. It has been wonderful. I cannot express how much I love to be able to say that phrase: 'the girls'. It still sends chills up my spine. I've never quite gotten used to saying 'my husband' about Karl (although that's more of an embarassed thing- like I still feel like I'm a little girl playing house or worse, making the whole thing up)- I wonder if I'll always have that about expressing that I have two girls. Lucky, lucky me.

They do play well together... kind of. Norah has become so patient with Vivi. It's so amazing to see Norah growing up. For all of her wild tempest tempers, she's such a loving and kind little thing. So observant of everyone's emotions. So in tune with the mood of the house. If I ever get sharp with Vivi, (like when she's really pulling my hair out by the roots or trying to get into the oven) Norah's the one to say 'sorry, mommy! it's okay. i love you mommy!' I am not sure what's churning through her brain but she feels like she needs to apologize for Viv. And I can always tell when Vivi is pulling Norah's hair b/c they will be playing just fine and then all of the sudden it gets silent... I'll go over there and find Norah just quietly saying 'no... no...' and Vivi's literally pulling her hair out with a devilish grin. Viv of course thinks it's all fascinating and great to see my face change and to get a different tone of voice out of me. All 3 of them have been that way at this age- my scary face and stern voice are just absolutely hilarious to them.

Quick Update

2009-06-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness I have a photographer sister.

A quick jotting down of the summer thus far:

I have to say that the petulant child inside of me (the one who's been kind of pissed all year that I haven't been able to put my feet up and sun myself while the children maintain themselves happily circling around me, nourished and entertained, without my having had to do anything but laugh a water bubbly Glenda the Good Witch type of laugh and smile at them benevolently) is rejoicing this week: We've kind of been having fun. I mean, the kids are being kind of.... easier. And everyone is... healthy. And the girls are getting more self sufficient. Vivi is trying so hard to walk but she just gives up and goes back to her terminator crawl most of the time. She does absolutely delight in applause, however, and will get so busy garnering praise and clapping for herself when she tries to walk that she often ends up toppling over.

Norah has mastered the computer mouse and a whole new world is opening up for her. Those kiddie computer games are right up her alley. She loves visual learning, so they say. It's amazing how much she's absorbing- so much useful information. Like letters and the sounds that they make. Karl and I, who both lived for movies and were in total imaginitive lala lands as kids thought that Teddy was absolutely normal living in his fantasy world 24-7. Letters? Um, yeah, but Teddy pretended to be Superman whenever they asked him to talk about letters at his 3 yo preschool! Norah lives in the land of the concrete and I SO admire her for it. She's actually focusing on what's really there instead of what's going on in her imagination. Not that she never imagines, she does, (she had an elaborate thing going on in the lake the other day about Murray and Anfunny...) it's just that I'm marvelling at her focus on learning things like letters and putting on her own shoes. I remember struggling to get shoes on Teddy's feet while he was yammering on and on about something his imaginary baseball player did until... oh wait... yesterday we were still doing that. Norah's all serious about getting herself all grown up. In a way. Yet she still plays in toilet water. That makes me mad. What does a child like this turn into? An engineer? I'm guessing not an 'english major'!

Last Day of School

2009-05-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of school. Somehow Teddy doesn't seem like a kindergartener anymore- the label just doesn't fit. I wouldn't go so far as to call him a first grader... but I'll have 3 months to get used to it.
He had a great year. He learned so much and changed a little bit... but not too much... he's a funny, insightful kid.

He's old enough now that I can actually start to see, in the far distance, what he will be like as a grown up. It's not really possible to judge a kid by when they are a baby, or a 3 year old, but I think many of us can look back on being 6 years old and think, yeah. That was me.

Well Teddy is going to be a cool guy. Funny and cute and friendly... so comfortable with girls or with boys. That's one thing I've noticed about him. He's really collegial with both genders. I can predict that there will be many girls who will want to be his 'Friend' in the dorms in college. But that's just his mom talking.

The Girls? The girls have been hollering and yelling a lot lately. I've seriously, for the first time ever, wondered what the neighbors must think of our house. All of this wailing and gnashing of teeth. I hate yelling, and I never thought I would yell. But Norah really only responds to yelling. Loving and gentle and firm and quiet parenting doesn't get her to stop when she's pouring the jug of apple juice into her glass and keeps going, fascinated, as the fountain of apple juice spills over the top and makes a waterfall off of the table. However, if I don't say anything, she just hustles that sturdy little bod over to the drawer, talking to herself, 'Sorry Mommy. Gotta clean it up.' as she gets my nice clean towels out and smears the apple juice across the whole kitchen floor. 'That's okay!!' she'll say to herself.

Vivi generally does a lot of yelling. Vivi, not so fortunately, and to stymie my great hopes of her as an early talker, seems to be using the grunting, yelling and pointing method of communication more than the talking method. But hey, she's weaned, and she's walking!!!! So Vivi yells a lot, then Norah yells so that she can be louder than Vivi. Teddy is so good at ignoring all of it, and Karl and I keep shaking our heads at each other. "These girls!!!" we say, hoping that this is some kind of weird girl phase that they are in. It's loud and it's hard to have them crying and yelling all of the time. You can only comfort one of them at a time. They are very jealous of one another. And a lot of the yelling is for stuff they can't have. Vivi wanting to drink out of my coffee mug. Norah wanting to wear her dirty awful snow jammies to Target. Etc.

I'm feeling a new tide coming in, though. Life IS easier than it was a year ago. The kids generally do sleep most of the night. We aren't up for two and three hours with a baby anymore. I'm transitioning back into going to Book Club, and we're taking a trip, and I'm reading a bit more... and I'm wondering what to do a little bit. It's so funny how this happens to people. I know I'm not alone in this, that as exhausted as we think that we are, the minute things slow down we take more on so that we can get right back to exhausted. With that in mind, I'm going to try to just enjoy the kids this summer. I know I've got a career and a life out there of my own that I should tend to, but I don't know what to do right now except try to get the kids to lounge around with me on blankets in the sun, slather on suncreen, and let them play with the garden hose.

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T04:51:00.000-07:00

He's so beautiful in the morning.

Here he is at his soccer game..

Here are Teddy and Norah on our Mother's Day walk.

And here was my mother's day present- to have all 3 of them sit there so I could take a picture. I'm not going to be picky... at least all 3 of them are there!

And as for commentary on Mother's Day... wow. I've so much to say and somehow can't think of how to write it all down. Somehow I feel, after doing this mother gig for seven years, that I am not Ann who's also a mom, I'm a mom mom mom mom. I've got mom clothes and a mom car and a mom attitude. I've lost a little of that sparkle and shine of new motherhood... the oh wow! you can stack a block! you can say a word! my babies are amazing! I'm now more of a kerchief wearing dish washing dinner making old fashioned mom. I wear too much blush and show up for things with wet hair. I don't know what to do with my hands when someone doesn't need something. I worry, I fret, I need to go to the dentist and get a hair cut and a pedicure and the doctor but can't find the time. But I am so in love with my babies - I don't know how to love them as much as I love them! I guess that's my commentary on mother's day this year.

Daddy the Gladiator

2009-04-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

I got the giggles this morning at 5 AM. I've regressed back into a bad habit with Vivi where she cries at 4 or 5 in the morning and I've been giving her a bottle of warm milk and rocking her and putting her back to bed and then she sleeps for another hour or two. I know. I'm not supposed to give one year olds bottles in the middle of the night. So this morning she cried right at 5 on the dot and I nudged Karl, 'you do it' I hissed, 'it's your turn.' Then as he's stumbling out of bed I lifted my head from the pillow and added in my loudest whisper 'just give her a sippy cup of water.' (I've never tried that but I thought, hey, he should really see if that works.) So he's all confused and sleepy and starts making her a bottle. So I go in to the kitchen and say 'no. here. just give her this sippy cup of water.' So I send him off and climb back into bed. Right as my head hits the pillow I hear this lion's roar, screams of anger, sobs of despair, and an almost cat-like screeching: Baby Anger at its height. I started giggling and couldn't stop. I'd sent him into a lion's den armed with nothing but a cup of water! No wonder! He stumbled back out: 'She FILLETED me!' he cried.

Then Norah stumbled out of bed with kiki and dragging her dragon blanket, bleary eyed and hair everywhere: "Where are we going?" she said. Needless to say we made Vivi a nice warm bottle, which reinforced to her that if she throws a fit she CAN get what she wants. Norah got fresh ice in her waters and went back to bed, and we all got another half an hour of rest. Poor Karl. I have the meanest way of making him do the things that I'm too scared or lazy to do. Yes, I am scared of my baby. You would be too if you'd heard her. Our girl can get MAD! I mean MAD! Norah can get MAD too. Two tempermental girls, those sisters.

I was tucking Teddy in last night and he'd been so nice to his sisters that day and I complimented him on how kind he'd been. He said, 'Well, for Vivi - to get her to stop crying- all you have to do is play Hot Potato (the Wiggles song) or sing Twinkle Twinkle. But actually Twinkle Twinkle doesn't always work anymore....'

'But for Norah? I don't really know what makes Norah stop crying. I guess if you just give her what she wants... that usually works.'

Ah, that child. Heart of my heart.

Vivienne is One Year Old

2009-04-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Vivienne. She's as feisty as the others. She's biting my shoulders with her four teeth and then she looks up with a devilish twinkle in her eye after she's done it to see what I'm going to do about it. Then she pulls Norah's hair and smacks Teddy across the face. I am not surprised, and I am not shocked, and I am world weary and smiling tiredly. Of course she's going to be a stinker. Of course she won't be a pile of putty that we can mold! A pretty little flower that we can just water once in awhile! I had kind of forgotten, but oh my gosh she's going to be a Force of Nature like the other two.

You try to put on her pajamas and she writhes around like a mad cat. She sees someone walk out the door and she contorts her strong wily little body around to get a shot at escape. When she sees someone new she waves and says "HIIIIII' in this singsongy imitation of us saying Hi. And when she takes things out of a bag and puts them in your hand she looks you deep in the eye and says 'Day Dooo!' meaning 'Thank you' in the same lilting way we say it to her.

She's the sparkiest thing I have ever seen. She's not going to be a baby anymore. It's almost like it happened on her first birthday- she just kind of shook free and decided, okay, time to SPREAD MY WINGS. She's been playing in the sandbox! And climbing on her slide! How can it be that my little baby is becoming a toddler? Oh Vivi. I feel a content and amazed pride when I watch her. The little girl who completed our family. The baby of the bunch who can look at her big siblings railing and fighting against life and its limitations... look at them with those simple, slightly wicked, wide eyes... as if to say 'what is so bad? what is so hard? look how easy everything can be if you just lounge around and blinkity blink your lashes all day!'

Mom threw a great birthday party for Dad and Vivi. Poor Grandpa Steve- you can see him in the back there- it was his actual birthday cake but he's been all crowded out by Kaste kids.

It was a great night. Vivi had a blast. Her knees got sore from crawling on the patio and she went to a four point crab walk instead. At the end of the evening she just layed on her back and kind of kicked her legs around... content in her own happy perfection. And the embodiment of perfection she is.

Murray Wiggle

2009-04-02T08:59:00.000-07:00

Here's Baby Vivi and her bottle. She loves to sit in her high chair and have a bottle. It's such a nice little five minutes to have her all strapped in and happy and safe while I unload the dishwasher. She's been doing stairs this week. Up, and down. Up, and down. For half-hours at a time. She's quite good. She still has yet to take her first steps. She's close, but she's a smart, cautious one. She's very nimble but she also handles herself rather gingerly. She's very sensitive to pain!

Norah insisted on being called 'Murray' all last night. She's on a Wiggles kick. If you don't know about Murray Wiggle, you should. He's quite charming. She's a bit taken with him. She even made me say 'Good Night, Murray' instead of 'Good Night, Dragon' last night when I put her to bed. Not sure why she picked Murray. My favorite is Anthony. We had one of those days this week where I'm sitting on the floor in my sweatpants (aka pajamas) at noon watching the Wiggles with Norah and eating sunchips and debating with myself about which Wiggle is the most attractive? and do they have wives or partners? what's the deal with these guys? isn't there something weird about a guy who wants to dance and sing children's songs all day? maybe in Australia that's all perfectly acceptable instead of kind of creepy....

Deep, vaguely depressed stay at home mom thoughts. I snapped out of it when Karl Wiggle arrived home. But then I kind of still wanted to talk about the Wiggles and he seemed to not be very interested... like I don't have anything interesting to contribute? Just because the most interesting thing that I thought about today was Anthony Wiggle? He's just jealous.

So... Here's Murray Wiggle baking cookies in her 'Norah' apron.

And here's a picture of the boys sleeping from a couple of weekends ago. Karl noticed especially the positioning of poor little Ewan on the end of the bed. The little guy always gets the short end of the stick... but somehow it just makes them happier and stronger, doesn't it?

Our Norah Gracie is FREE (three)

2009-03-26T11:44:00.001-07:00

Beth did the best job ever on these pictures of Norah. She just really captured her - we're sooo thrilled to have them- since she never stops moving she's not the easiest child to photograph- I'm so happy to have some images that froze her personality in time!

She's used to adults asking her how old she is and she's always ready with her fingers to say 'FREE.' She just gets ready with it no matter what they ask her. So a 'what are you doing today?' question she usually answers with 'free.' and a determined effort with the three finger display. She's trying to give those adults what they want!

She and Vivienne are like a comedy routine together. They're starting to be mischevious and slightly naughty in tandem. Vivi will splash in the tub and laughingly look up at me to see if I'll tell her to stop it... Norah then looks up at me too with the sideways 'oh shoot Viv mom's gonna be maaaad...' Then Vivi goes again and Norah tries to get away with a little and I just think that they're too cute to do anything about it.

Or I'll find them together, getting into the fridge, the recycling... Norah will open the door and kind of enable Viv to dig in. Last week Norah had gotten the pictures down out of the closet and I rounded the corner to find them messing in a pile of pictures guiltily, happily looking up at me.

The night after I wrote about Teddy's writings I heard some moaning coming from the bedrooms. I thought it was one of the girls but it was him splayed out on his bed in despair... 'I can't THINK OF ANYTHING TO WRITE.' Oh, I said, you have Writer's Block! It's so funny when you tell a kid about some kind of colloquialism like that. They take it as a medical diagnosis. So that's been the end of his writing for awhile. He's gone to drawing pictures instead. Sweet and wonderful pictures of me and Karl with some kind of exclamation on them like "BEST EVER!"

Or last week when Karl was sick "GIT WELL DADDY!!" (This phonetic spelling has illuminated the spots in our Omaha language where we sound just a little Southern).

He's been trying out different variations on his name at the head of his papers. He went to 'Ted' for awhile. Then he tried Theodore but he could never get the e's in the right place so it was THODOR. Now this week he's brough some papers home with 'THEO' on them. I'm so happy because his football obsession has receded a bit and he's been all about geography- maps and states and countries. THIS I can handle!

Teddy Is An Author and Norah Travels the U.S.

2009-03-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

Teddy got a notebook and has been filling it up with his writings. He has filled 2 successive pages with a story he his writing... so we now have the immense pleasure of opening up this notebook and seeing his thoughts, written down, spanning two expansive, amazing pages. His story is about a boy who has to bring 100 things to school for 100 day. The boy's name is Pat.
It's just too much for us to take. He's in one of those phases that he goes through where Karl and I just look at each other and shake our heads because he's so perfect. He also goes through phases where he cannot stop chewing on his sweatshirt sleeve and he trips all over everything and throws himself on the floor when I tell him he can't have pop or something, so I'm not trying to brag. But this phase is amazing.

He's very proud of his writing and said: 'Mommy. Did you ever think that I would be an author when I was only 6 years old???' He's been working on this for the last two nights. It's time for bed but we don't have the heart to tell him when we peek in and see him trying to pen these thoughts, pencil tapping head, pencil back to paper.

Norah. Norah travelled to Wisconsin to visit Aunt Becky with Karl. She had a great time and the house was totally empty without her. It was so quiet. She is the noise and the music and the life in our house. There was no thump thump thump of her running (Norah doesn't pitter patter) and there was no crashing, no bumping, no falling, no emptying out the fridge, turning on the faucets, no drop-everything sprints to the potty chair. I had to do a lot less laundry without Norah. And things stayed where I put them. It was just awful. By the last day I was just sick with missing her, but she's back in action now. Donning her back pack and all of our shoes and hats and tromping around the house pretending to go to school. Auntie Beth is going to do a photo shoot with Norah tomorrow. OH BOY!

And Vivienne. Lovely feminine little Vivienne. She's motoring around the house with that spider crawl that she has. She definitely wins the prize for fastest crawler. It's so hilarious to see her speed down the hallway and look in the rooms to find everybody. She just goes to where the kids are and tries to join them. She's doing SO well since she had her tubes last week. She just seems really comfortable and happy.

Happy Birthday Weekend

2009-03-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

A great time was had by all. The Jansens were in town, so that's what we did. We LOVE LOVE LOVE those Jansen boys. Sometimes I want to kidnap them and keep them with us when Beth and Jere have to go back to Oklahoma. Seriously. I haven't checked with Karl yet, but the offer's out there.

Teddy had a big huge giant party at PE101 with a giant Vikings cake and it was fun and fast and the boys did very well. After, we came back to our house for pizza and more cake- DRAGON cake. Beth took the pics of the dragon cake so I'll post those later. The look on Norah's face as we sang happy birthday to her... she scanned the room with this awed, blissful smile and then blew out her candles JUST as she'd been imagining all week. It was great. All 3 kids puked either in the middle of the night or the next morning from too much frosting (after 2 cakes, frosted sugar cookies, and pizza), but we are all recovered now.
This is Teddy opening his gift from Uncle Joe and Brooke- Creighton Basketball tickets!!! This picture also pretty much sums up Karl and Teddy's relationship, too. Two peas in a pod. So different, yet so complimentary to each other. Karl knows just how to handle Teddy's dark clouds and Teddy, may I say(and I may because I'm his mommy), brings a level of intellectual refinement to their mutual sports obsession.

Norah's quote of the night was "Auntie beth is Leopard." Here's Beth helping the dragon put on her new high heeled shoes.

Crotchless Panties

2009-02-26T11:48:00.000-08:00

oh ho ho I just love a catchy title!

Norah's been insisting on doing things BY HERSELF. I think that is such a funny stage that some (not all) 3 year olds go through- they just get vehement about being self sufficient. So the other day we were at home and, you guessed it, she was working at putting her own underpants on. Usually she hits the mark but this time it was two legs in one leghole. So she ended up doddering around like a penguin, stuck and stubborn, insisting that she didn't need any help. Eventually when I wasn't looking she went into her bedroom and fixed them for herself.

I want to cry with happiness when I think of how proud I am of her and all of her efforts to grow up. All of her backwards, inside out, upside down, one legged, no legged underpants-puttings-on, all of her 'askadents' and her successes with potty training. All of her torturing me with a twinkle in her eye: "where do we go poopy, norah?" and she'll say 'in the bedddd' in this naughty way. In the dark days of this winter I didn't think that we'd get here. But we're farther than we were. We're moving forward.

Vivienne is better... she says 'ded' and mamamamama and 'dee' for Teddy and Nuh Nuh for Norah and Ba Ba for bottle. Loosely, of course. I keep thinking, nooo, she's not really already saying these things! But I think she kind of is. Often they are inverted, but it's pretty consistent that as she claws and pulls at my hair and tries to eat me she says, drunk with the obsessive love of a 10 month old, 'mamamamama' (that's a particular kind of other-worldly ecstacy that only a mommy can experience) and when she sees Karl she reaches out for him and says 'Ded. Ded.'

Norah cries when Vivi cries. She tries to cry louder than Vivi and then she says 'Is she happy?' And we say 'yes, she's happy!' I'm hoping that as Norah gets older I'll understand if it's empathy or a noise problem or what it is that makes her so upset when Vivi cries. When Norah used to cry Teddy would just carry on with whatever it is he was needing, heedless of the howling. Norah cannot function until it stops.

Teddy's birthday is tomorrow! Six. Six? SIX??

Now we have to wait one extra weekend to see Grandma Gloria and Papa. We were all disappointed last night and drowned our sorrows in Arby's. We are, however, looking forward to next weekend when they will come. Norah has been instructed: 'no kissing on the lips' when it comes to Francis. That's just generally a rule that applies across the board in our household.

Noisy Nora

2009-02-17T10:31:00.000-08:00

Here's Teddy reading one of Norah's favorites to her: "Noisy Nora": 'First she banged the window, then she slammed the door, then she threw her sister's marbles on the kitchen floor. '

It's as if Rosemary Wells knew what was coming.

And here's our sickly baby, Vivienne... she enjoys riding in the minivan from 10-4 AM as her ear pain/tooth pain/croup cough pummels her, and she cries and cries and cries.

Teddy is the Star of the Week at school. We made a big posterboard with pictures of all of his favorite things... his birthday's coming... he's just kind of in a frenzy of attention and anticipation. He's been SUCH a good boy this month, playing with his sisters. He's started to do and say genuinely considerate things now, like 'here, mommy. i'll move this chair back to the table so that you don't have to.' or if he throws his coat on the ground he'll do his self talking: 'Whoops. THAT's not where my coat goes!' ???? WOW!

Romance- Valentine's Day

2009-02-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

Aleia asked me last night, in that sweet little zsa zsa gabor voice that she has: 'ann, can i go on a dinner date with ted for valentine's day?

i said 'sure, honey! that's so sweet.'

she said 'yay! ted! we can go on a dinner date! i'm going to make you two valentines and we can go on a date!'

He was jumping up and down and said 'yay! do they have chicken fingers and fries? I'll make 2 valentines too- one for you and one for Simon!'

So we asked her where they were gonna go... she decided on Stella's - this classic, sleazy burger shack in bellevue.

So they were jumping up and down and excited and we were all thinking this is so cute.

So i said, well, do WE get to come on this dinner date? (wondering what exactly aleia is picturing...)

Aleia said confidently 'um, no- because we're gonna kiss.'

so we all went 'OHHHH no- no kissing, just on the cheek when the grownups are around!'

and she said, again, with confidence: 'No, we're gonna kiss on the lips.'

so we all went 'NOOOO- you can't kiss on the lips!'

And ted broke in: 'We already have.'

And we all said 'What? When did you do that?' You can't do that til you're 16!

So Ted starts counting on his fingers how many years- 'Aleia, i have 10 years til i can kiss on the lips... and you have elev...'

But Aleia's jumping up and down and pouting 'NO FAIR! I WANNA KISS ON THE LIPS!'

And Ted says 'Do I still get chicken fingers and fries?'

This is what love is all about! We women just rope these unsuspecting men into our plots, dangling 'chicken fingers and fries' in front of them til they do exactly what we want. Aleia's SO ahead of her time.

Grandma's Birthday Celebration

2009-02-11T11:26:00.000-08:00

We had such a neat weekend. Grandma's 80th birthday celebration. She was so gracious and lovely, of course. Something about my Grandma just makes me grin. She just has that effect on people. She just makes you happy- and she has a way of dismissing complexity with a wave of the hand and a pretty smile. So it was with good reason that we all gathered to celebrate. The Seattle folks, the Oregon folks, the Omaha folks... we had a great time. Some of the moments, I think, will always be emblazoned in all of our memories. Saturday morning was one of those times- at least for me- I'll never forget. It was strangely warm- almost hot- at Mom and Dad's- and we all just milled around basking in it. Norah jumped in puddles and everyone wandered out onto the ice. It's such a simple pleasure to walk on an icy lake, so rarely enjoyed in Nebraska. So lucky to have this family, so diverse and talented and dynamic and welcoming.

Vivienne was sick, that was the only bad part. Dana tried to babysit Saturday night for the big night out, but she called and said that she wouldn't stop crying. Karl went and got her and she spent the evening with us, that seemed to make her happier. She did have an ear infection- how else can she tell us except by being crabby and pantomiming ear pain ear pain all day and night!

Where Things Are

2009-02-05T13:38:00.000-08:00

Things are holding their own. Vivienne is like a baby doll toy. She laughs at all of our jokes and is so happy and lovely and royal. Her pain threshold is low, so teething is difficult. Teddy is thriving and big. He will still try to curl up on my lap and it's funny to have those noodly legs hanging all over. What to do with them? Norah is still working on potty training. It's a process, I've decided to say. We are farther than we were a month ago. Here's where things are at: One night this week Karl came home to me in the middle of making dinner while on the phone to beth, Vivi fussy and in the bjorn. Norah and i had just had a tug of war with a bowl of canned peas and all of their water.... i lost the tug of war and peas and water were all over the floor.... norah had no pants on from the last time she'd taken herself potty... she then discovered how fun it was to slide around with no pants on a wood floor in a puddle of pea juice. Teddy needed his hot cocoa.

We did laugh. I said 'Everythings under control here! How was your day?'

I think about the fifites almost daily. How great was it for men? How come they don't have big support groups of men where they get to whine and moan about how much it stinks now compared to then? In the fifties I would have had to go get Karl his dinner and his martini and a newspaper or something in the middle of all of that mess? Instead he got right down on the floor and started picking up peas one by one in his work pants. I love him. And I'm glad it's not the fifties.

January Days

2009-01-27T13:25:00.001-08:00

Stomach flu champs. All 4 of them. Viv took it in stride. She pretty much just blinked and smiled until blechh- it would just all come up. Norah and Teddy did theirs in the middle of the night and were over it by the end of the next day. Karl- he did not get to languish around as much as one would like to in a sick situation.

We're at the point in the winter now where the idea of having the house open- open windows- seems wildly reckless and nearly impossible. What kind of life would that be- to have fresh air for free- and you just get to breathe it in? My longing for fresh air has got to be directly proportional to the amount of sickness and diapers that are being processed through our house. I've gotten the name of a couple of good carpet cleaners from friends.

Life is spooling along... Teddy's wrapping up the NFL season. What will it be now? What next? Only the Super Bowl lies ahead on Sunday. Teddy likes to start each morning, sitting in those stripey pajamas, all skinny and confused with his bedhead poking all over- with a questioning, quiet, meaningful: 'Mommy?' It gets me every time... and I say 'yes, lovey?' I always think it's going to be some kind of heartfelt feeling about going to school, or something he dreamt about, or something poetic...and it's always something like this, shaking his head:

'Dante Culpepper's been around for 10 years, but I've only been around for 3 of them. He has good years, and he has bad years.'

or..

'Quarterbacks don't actually get injured most of the time from sacks. Usually it's from hits after they've gotten the ball off.'

Mmmmhmmmm.

Wheras Norah, she bursts out of her room just like Mary Catherine Gallagher busts onto the stage. Opening her door with a crash and a bang, running out: 'Good Mooooining!' she'll say, imitating that kind of exaggerated way Karl and I have of greeting them for the first time. And I'll say 'how did you sleep?' and she'll say 'good.' or I'll say 'Did you have a good rest?' and she'll say 'good.' She just says 'good'.

Then she says: 'I'm hungerry.' And off we go to get the waffles in the toaster. Every morning with those two it's waffles in the toaster. They won't eat anything else.

Vivienne gets up in a clingy, sleepy way, gentle and sweet and cuddly. Daddaa NuhNuhNuh Mamama. She really really likes being a part of this family. She's pulling up and talking a lot. And she's got a very dramatic, injured cry going on when you set her down or take her toy. She's a dream gurgle baby.

We're busy discovering the hidden corners of our basement again. Our favorite wintertime thing to do.

Mission Aborted

2009-01-15T12:58:00.000-08:00

This intital potty training run was just a dipping of my toe in the water. Or rather a dunking of Norah's feet in toilet water. That did happen a couple of times. We made some progress, but we're not ready to go all the way. It's frightening out there for those of us phobic about public restrooms. I can't stand the touching of public toilet seats, the feeble handwashing attempts as you try to hoist a little hobbit child up to the sink, get them soaped up, and try to prevent any other children from touching anything in the process. And after 6 days of potty training house arrest, with absoultely no progress being made, I've decided to give it a try March 1. Tune in March 1. It's gonna be the real deal that time. By then we can at least put on coats and go swing on the swings outside once in awhile.

I'm at a loss when I try to help someone debate about having a third baby. Our neighbor Joy joked "don't i have to do it? three is the new two!" And I've always felt odd about why I don't whole heartedly endorse it. I've never been able to aptly articlulate the feeling, since Vivienne is like this little tinkerbell sent from some lovely fairy planet where everyone is perfect and blinking their big lashy blue eyes to the sound of harpsichords, and Teddy and Norah are.... I don't know, the sun and the moon, in no particular order. I think that what it is is this: I simply don't have enough time anymore to notice the wondrous moments. I don't have the space in my brain to take note of all of the darling things that they are doing. To even appreciate these years where they are MINE ALL MINE (maniacal laugh) and I know where they are sleeping every night and I know where they are every minute and I walk around my house like a kind of celebrity mommy. I'm just too busy tending to all of the drinks and dipes and meals and outfits and socks and mittens and etceteras. I didn't really feel that way before. It's like before vivi our lives were like this lake and I sat at the shore and splashed around with the kids and sometimes just gazed out at them... and now after vivi (and probably with the start of school for teddy) we just swim and swim and swim in the lake with no time for sitting at the shore. I think I wanted this feeling of being enveloped in this much love and work... and that's what I am. Enveloped. In a big love lake. I just always have to remember to stop a bit and notice them in the process. They are so much fun, if I just stop and notice.

Teddy was nervous b/c he had to do a show-n-tell at school with his favorite Christmas present. He brought 13 specially selected mini football helmets. He tried to pick ones that would be interesting to different kids (like Oklahoma for Joey b/c he has family in Oklahoma, things like that). Then he got all insecure about it: "No one's gonna like my helmets. No one even likes football. They're going to think that they're dumb." But he got his courage up to do it and he said it went great. He said "I had to go last. I guess they saved the BEST for LAST!" apparently the kids asked so many questions he didn't have time to answer them all. One thing I can say for his class- they support each other. Teddy is getting pretty good at tying his shoes, but until he could really do it Kaycee tied them for him. And today, he forgot his lunch and he was soooo upset. The teacher's aide called me and said that he was 'having a cow.' So I ran his lunch up to him and when I walked into the lunchroom he was sitting there joking around with one of the boys and didn't notice me but about eight of the kids were jumping up and down yelling 'Teddy! Your mom's here! Your lunch is here!!' They seemed so happy for him! And then the look on his face when he saw me with his lunch. Priceless.

Vivi won't stop moving and grooving around the house. She's climbing into cupboards now. She truly fits into the stereotype of wanting to be with the big kids. She wants to eat like them, drink like them, run like them. She wants to be in the bath with Norah and the basement wrestling with Daddy and Teddy. She's got this strange gimping crawl going on where she tries to walk on one foot and crawl with the other knee. She's saying 'dadadadada mamamamama' . She loves the Wiggles and throws a big fit when her favorite song Hot Potato ends--- until it starts back up again. She'll be 9 months tomorrow!!

And Noirah- that's how she says it: "Noirah." Her new thing this week is pushing the chairs across the house to different locales. She'll have a chair in the pantry, a chair by the stove, a chair in front of the sink. I'm constantly looking for our kitchen chairs. Then she'll climb up and get into some kind of trouble. And when I say "Norah Grace. What are you doing?" She's learned to simply say, like it's a question: 'Nuffing??'

Adventures in Potty Training

2009-01-12T12:42:00.000-08:00

After having 2 weeks of everyone sleeping peacefully, and things generally humming along agreeably, I felt it was time to shake things up a bit. Let's get Norah out of diapers! She's been so amenable to the idea that I thought that I should seize on the opening and go for it. She's very cheerful about clambering up to sit and try, and sometimes she can eek out a little something (i'm bribing her with m&ms). Then she'll either say "good job! let's go get m&ms!" or else "it's stuck. sh'we try again later?" I guess that last sentence makes it sound like this is all going someplace. I don't think it is. Although I've put us on a potty training lockdown mode, where we don't leave the house and I stalk her around counting ounces of liquid in, ounces out, I don't think it's going to be done anytime soon. I'll leave out the more graphic details. Our goal is August. I don't think I'll try that method that was featured on the Today show where we lock ourselves in the kitchen for a day and make her clean up her own poop. I don't think that method is the best for us.
In fact, I wish I could work full time this month, because I've heard of people who just shrug and say 'my (levi/zeus/kevin) just got trained at daycare!' that would be fabulous. i have no emotional need to own this accomplishment.

Vivienne has a tooth! Just last night it finally popped through. What a relief. Somehow she gums down all of that table food but I'll feel better about it when she actually has some teeth to chew with.

Christmas 2008

2009-01-04T04:11:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of all of the Kaste grandkids. I think it's finally complete! I just knew somebody was missing, and now she's here.

The kids had fun skating and snow-beeling (as Norah called it).

Teddy was reluctant to venture out, but the others braved it.

It was a beautiful Christmas- in MN and NE.

This picture of the four of us was after one of the high points of our family of five- Norah had just sat through Christmas eve mass in the front row.

Norah didn't nap in Minnesota, so here she is at about 6 PM one night, fell asleep watching Dragon Tales wearing the infamous snow jammies...

Where are Wesley and Ewan? We tried to get a picture of the Smithberg grandkids, but it was Ewan who was out of sorts-sick. It's always somebody in the under-six crowd who's not happy. We propped everyone up next to his sick spot on the couch, but the pictures did not end up gelling. We need more bad flash photography of Wes and Ewan lest they end up thinking that their whole childhood was saturated in fantastical COLOR!

The best Christmas ever.

Christmas is Coming

2008-12-14T07:45:00.000-08:00

The kids got to see Santa on Friday. Santa even brought presents. Teddy was called up first and got his dream gift, a set of football helmets. Norah had to wait until the very very last. Even I was nervous that Santa had forgotten her. She sat so patiently and waited for her name to be called. She said, quietly "I want a present???' a couple of times while waiting. Below is the picture of her waiting. And then enduring the sitting on Santa's lap. Her eyes kind of filled up with tears before she went up. She was overwhelmed by all of the hype. But she did it, and got a snow globe, which she loved and stared at until long after Santa had gone. After she'd come out of her trance with the snow globe she looked up and said in a rather stately way, 'Bye Santa.' and her eyes kind of roamed the room. She's doing so well. She's definitely got the whole 'Santa brings presents' idea down.

Vivienne, after the meeting of Santa, went straight to sleep, and then woke up crying at midnight. She cried until 1:53. Karl and I sat on the couch and waited it out, going in once in awhile to rub her back. She was very determined- it was the worst of the CIO so far. At one point I was squirming in pain and said 'I feel like one of those 60s drug people on LSD who think spiders are crawling all over them and I'm going to just go jump out the (descriptive adjective) window!' Karl just said flatly, half awake: 'Don't do it.' It's only a four foot drop anyway. Hardly worth the trouble. We just sat there and endured, and finally she stopped. This has not been easy. It's not natural. It feels like you're in that famous Cruelty psychology experiment where they tell you to keep pushing the red button and you hear the tortured cries but you keep pushing it because they're telling you to. This is the type of thing I kept saying to Karl during this hour and 53 minutes. He has more of a 'silently endure' approach.

And Teddy's Chistmas concert. It was cute. He was sweating in his Christmas sweater and kept itching his neck and halo the whole time, but after he was done he seemed quite pleased. It was so cute. He had a big football weekend this weekend, with the cold weather and our general house-boundedness. We visited Aunt Kathy today and she said "so Teddy, if a team gets 21 points, how many touchdowns would that be?"

"Three," he answered without missing a beat.

"Wow," she said, looking at me. That's really amaz-"

Then he cut her off: "Or else it would be a touchdown, a touchdown, 2 safetys, and a field goal."

Now the kids have started their coughs again. At dinner tonight they were all hacking in unison. I'm starting to suspect that they sneak out back and smoke packs of cigarettes when I'm not looking.

Sleep Part VIVIXXOO

2008-12-08T18:31:00.000-08:00

VIVIXXOO: a made-up, big-sounding Roman Numeral

Viv's having trouble sleeping. We can't figure it out. Just nothing is consoling her and she's beside herself tired, pink cheeked, red eyed tired. We've had to let her cry because she
won't do anything else- she won't even let us rock her. She just wants to get up and go practice her new moves. Sitting, scooting, rotating, scooting. Yesterday she even tried to pull up to standing. Even if you do rock her to sleep, she's up the minute she is set down. So the last 2 nights have seen some sad crying. Norah does not like it: "I don't like a Vivi crying..." she says, and then she cries, and Teddy can't sleep in the room while she's crying. And I can't sleep while she's crying, therefore Karl can't sleep while she's crying. I guess what's hard is that at this point I don't know that it will work. I feel this sick anxiety, like maybe we're making her go through all of this and it won't help her? She's not sick, she's on antibiotics... could it be pain? Teething pain? I don't buy into teething pain. She's presently on some kind of sleep strike- no naps, no nothing. My poor beautiful baby. If I could console her with anything else I would. But the one thing we can't do is to let her get up and play at 3 AM, and that's where she's at.

Norah's been working hard lately:
She was playing with the nativity set, the indestructible rubbery one that Grandma Gloria
shipped down to us after last year after she launched some breakable Wise Men down the stairs. This set has the removable baby Jesus. Karl was listening to her play with it and she placed baby Jesus in the manger and said 'Stay in your big girl bed, baby Jesus!'

Then next time we looked over she'd placed Mary, sideways, frozen in prayer and way too big, in the manger for a nap.

She's enjoying all of the trappings of Christmas. One thing I've noticed about Norah is how she notices the unnoticeable. She can be wondrous and quiet in that way. Subtle sounds, whirrs, and buzzes. Watching snow fall inside a snow globe. Pretty lights. The decorations at the stores. Making cookies. Yesterday, following a tip from Catherine Newman, I poured cranberries in water and she stirred them and played with them and enjoyed their bobbing redness for about an hour. It was a lovely thing. We hung Vivi's stocking- she's official! Norah kept looking at it and saying 'Vivi's distockting' Which sounded like 'Vivi's disgusting' (disgusting is a word that almost-three year olds who are not potty trained hear a lot). It took me awhile of saying "Norah, Vivi's not disgusting" before I figured out what she was talking about.

And Teddy? He's playing football in his imagination and predicting scores and writing down scores. I wish he could be paid by the hour for all of the time he puts into football. But once in a great while his mind will wander onto something else. Twice now he's broken down in agony at the thought of Christmas being so far away. He's not even kidding. The thought of how long he must wait 'til it finally comes.... UGH! It's unbearable!

He had to thank God for a special blessing at school... his blessing was 'his Daddy'. He also had to do some kind of service project for Jesus' birthday and he had to do it for seven days. I didn't know about it until yesterday when he brought the paper home and was supposed to fill out what he was doing. He said that he had already finished it. He said "Mrs. Buechler said that we had to do it for at least 7 days. If we did it more than that, awesome. But we don't have to" So I said, what are you going to do? He said, 'I'm already done with it.' I said, 'Oh, what did you do?' He said 'I prayed. Before bed. You don't know about it'. I said 'Does Daddy know about it?' He said, 'No. I did it really quiet.' Okay.. Well, Cross that Job Off the List!

Wouldn't You?

2008-12-02T13:12:00.001-08:00

Wouldn't you, if you could, sit on the floor in a tutu and ballet shoes and a Darth Vader voice changer mask testing out how mean your mom can sound through the Darth Vader Microphone?

'Nowah, do

NOT.

step on Veveann!!!'

'STOP CRYING Nowah!!'

JamesEarl Jones sounds much more menacing than I do.

After she got done with her mom imitations, she went on to sing some nice rousing 'Happy Birthday to Teddy's' and some Barney songs.

Thanksgiving Pics

2008-11-30T18:10:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving and a Day Off

2008-11-28T05:31:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was nice. It's all a blur... but I'm not taking any of it for granted. I'm grateful and thankful for all of this with a ferocity that scares me. I'm so thankful that it feels like I'm a wet mop of thanks and you could squeeze me out and thanks would drip off of me but you could never squeeze it all out because down to my core I am made of gratitude and appreciation for these 3 creatures. I'm sure an evolutionary biologist would call my visceral gratutude something else... but I can only call it THANKS.

In other news...
Mom took the kids yesterday- all day- and Karl and I took a day off. It was fantastic! Fantastique as Fancy Nancy would say.

My blog should not be a forum for negativity, I have decided. So suffice it to say I'm trying to learn some lessons about being a mom and being an adult that are probably long overdue. Not to oversimplify, but these are some things that went through my mind when I had a little perspective:

1. Do Your Best
2. Don't internalize your childrens' emotional lives
3. Don't be negative
4. Don't be wimpy
5. Don't say that you're tired

Darn. A bunch of DON'Ts! I'm supposed to use DOs! I'm so in tune with Today Show Pscyhiatry!!

Do live your own emotional life, not your childrens'
Do be positive
Do be strong
Do be energetic

Vivienne as Member of Canadian Royal Guard:

Lawn Chair

2008-11-20T18:17:00.000-08:00

Double ear infection for Vivienne. Hmmm. That's 2 in one month. Last night Karl and I took turns rocking her through the night. She'd sleep for a bit and then wake up uncomfortable. So one of us would stumble back there and try to help. No stress, no worry, just going through the motions of the sick baby. One time Teddy had a high temp when he was a baby- he was probably about Vivi's age- and we took him in at midnight to Urgent Care. Oh the things we're learning!

And yet. We still have much to learn and much that we could look back and laugh at. For instance, right now Karl is sitting in the hallway outside the kids' bedrooms in a folding lawn chair drinking a beer and surfing the net on his ipod touch as they fall asleep. I just came out from rocking Vivi. Teddy's doing his tossing and turning and sniffling before sleep. Norah's laying behind her door kicking and singing the occasional verse - last night it was a nice loud rendition of Farmer in the Dell. "Da Farmer Takes a Wife! Da Farmer Takes a Wife!" she'll bellow.

Karl in the lawn chair. Because Teddy had spent the last 2 months on the floor of our bedroom (we thought he'd get sick of that on his own, but no...) Karl had to give him some concessions about going back to sleep with Vivi in their room. Apparently the major concession was that he would sit outside the room until Teddy fell asleep. I try to stay out of these kinds of negotiations. I'm so hard in some ways. I have to make a formalized business plan, which I write down on paper, and then muster all of my energies, just to decide that we're going to be better about having the kids wash their hands. If I don't have a formal plan I let it all slide. So mostly it all slides. But it's a happy house. I was thinking that just now as I was rocking Vivi, all of us quiet within 12 feet of one another. This is a happy family. A little weird to have Karl in a lawn chair in the hallway. A little weird to have Norah flat on her back snoring happily on the floor behind her door. A little quirky. But madly in love with one another, all of us.

Conspiracy

2008-11-11T08:52:00.001-08:00

Teddy is an attuned child. He's sensitive and he's trusting. He's deliberate about things. He's loving and he's gullible. He's thoughtful. He's reasonable. So when he asks me 'what do you think the tooth fairy looks like?' I'm starting to feel like a real creep. He's taking me seriously here. Do I say that I think she's huge and old with white hair in a bun and a big flouncy silver hoop dress (my childhood image of her)? He had pictured her as more of a tinkerbell type- a little sprite who might find his little teeth a bit heavy to carry back to her Tooth Fairy House. She also has to drag these big piles of baseball cards in to slide under his pillow... poor little Tinkerbell Tooth Fairy dragging all this junk around from house to house!

Then he was asking: don't you think we'll hear her when she comes in? And I was reminded of Cynthia, when she was little, who wanted Santa to leave the presents on the front porch rather than have a big giant bearded man in a red suit just let himself into the house in the dark of night. The thing Teddy loved best about our trip to Disneyworld was the characters. Waiting in line to hug Chip and Dale... seeing the princesses. He was little enough to believe that they were real, not people in suits dressing up. But now he seems so much older.... his wide eyed acceptance of whatever we say about the tooth fairy's plans, motives, and logistical considerations gives me more than a slight pang of guilt.

Now Some Pictures

2008-11-07T14:30:00.000-08:00

President Obama

2008-11-05T12:51:00.000-08:00

Although this blog is about the kids, I just can't help but join the blogosphere and say it. The absolute thrill of it all! President Obama. This will be the new normal. This is what our kids will grow up seeing. Despite all of our problems. I sometimes feel like maybe this world is just too horrible to bring our kids up in. Maybe they will suffer for my selfish biological need and desire to have them. And I'm still very scared. But at least we've got this tangible sign that with all of our fits and starts and zigzags, we are headed forward - becoming more enlightened, more accepting, more worldly. It just feels good to be happy for a day and know that now at least we've got something to stir this pot of horrible mess that we've been swimming in.

Due to technical difficulties I don't have any Halloween pics to share. However, seeing our kids in costumes is really a non-event. Halloween is just a day where their costumes garner candy for some reason that they don't understand, but quite enjoy. Norah was so cute in her dragon suit and she said 'Trick or Treat!' and 'Thank You!' We went to about five houses and it was plenty. Teddy and Simon and Aleia got blankets and pillows and sat on the front porch after they got back from trick or treating and gave their candy away to trick or treaters who came up to the house. I guess they were overcome with their bounty. Vivienne was a fairy elf, the same fairy elf that I stuffed Norah into last year when she was sick on Halloween. It was a much better fit for 6 month old Vivi than it was a year ago for 18 month Norah. We've had some warm glowy autumn days... it's going to turn cold now.

Norah and I have been working well together this week. She's going through a real Mommy phase, which part of me just loves b/c she's not one to just dish out the LOVE. On the other hand, it's a lot of pressure b/c she is constantly saying 'mommy? mommy? mommy's here. everything's okay. mommy's not at work. mommy's home.' My baby girl- why is she worried? Her vulnerabilities are almost harder than Teddy's because she's so strong. He's such a sensitive lovey little guy that he'll lay it all out for us in language.. he's usually processed what he's feeling. She expresses what she's feeling in almost the direct opposite way than would make sense ... and that requires a double dose of patience and understanding on all of our parts. So...we've been hitting a bit more of a stride lately. When I say let's make scones she pulls the chair up to the counter and gets her bowl out. She still makes a mess, but she understands that we're doing something together. We've started the traces of doing some art projects, and we've taken some really fun walks. She was just such a consummate TWO YEAR OLD for so long, I'm just really excited to have her be cognizent of the routines and activities that we're doing. And to have language to describe them. I know when Teddy was almost three it was the most fun time b/c he never stopped saying funny, quirky things- the total wonder that occurs when they are really starting to understand the world as a child and not as a baby- and they can talk about things. People are always asking Norah questions and she doesn't answer them. I think it's too much to answer... she's thinking, but not answering. It's hard for her to know what to say. I'm not sure what that's all about. All I can say is that it seems hard for her to talk to people in that way- I almost feel like they're being aggresively confrontational with her- b/c that's how she seems to feel. With Norah you have to gently get down beside her and just let her come to you- to read a book, to play a game- you can't hoist your expectations upon her without some finesse. That much I know.

Vivienne- 6 Months

2008-10-29T10:51:00.001-07:00

I'm biased of course... but who's going to make this one CIO? I don't think so. She's going to have to wear me down for a couple of years before she gets to Norah's state of affairs. I can look back at blog entries of Norah at 6 months where I was just so absolutely sure of her good naturedness and even temper. So sure she wouldn't be as emotional and challenging as my then 3 year old Teddy. Now Norah starts to have a fit and I say 'Go to your room to have your fit'. And she just knows- and she marches her sturdy little bod back there yelling all the while and sits in her room for a minute and then comes out still yelling and I say 'go back to your room 'til your done with this fit' and she soldiers back there to finish up... then she comes out with her frowny face, post crying gasping, and pants out 'all done fit' and then I get to give her a big hug and it's all better. There's no other way, really. It's usually about something so unreasonable, like her wanting to walk around with a big open bag of marshmallows all the livelong day, that there's really no other option for her than to CIO. She has had a few fits this week b/c she jammed the remote control into the VCR slot, breaking the VCR, and her Teletubbies and Barney videos won't work. It's very upsetting for all of us, let me tell you. We're getting through it.

Vivienne's been doing a nice job sitting on her blanket and playing with her toys. I set her pillow behind her and she likes to flop back after a couple of minutes and gnaw on one of her silky girlish blankies. She just kind of royally lounges, looking around with her head propped up. It's too much work to sit up for too long. Little sweetheart. Norah and Vivienne really have Karl all wrapped up. He never - we never- pictured having two daughters... two such distinctly different daughters... plus his sports-loving son- what more could we ever ever want? Not counting sleep.

Falling in Love With Your Captors

2008-10-18T05:07:00.000-07:00

I think I can relate to the psychological phenomena of the kidnapping victim falling in love with his captors. We've had one of those dark periods where everyone was coughing and projectile vomiting and performing this nighttime orchestra of sickness... Teddy would crescendo, barf, and pass out, and then you'd think it was over but then you'd hear the slowly building Norah cough cough cough... and then Vivi would chime in with a wah wah cough barf... it was great. It actually was not that bad- only one or two nights were really bad- but the tension of it all gets to me. I still cannot just roll with it when they get sick. I still feel this fear in the pit of my stomach when I put start to hear their little cough cough coughs coming from their rooms. Or in Teddy's case, from his asian-swedish sleeping mat on the floor at the foot of our bed, where he's taken up a permanent sleeping residence. Anyway, it all went on for a week or 10 days or something, and in the middle of it I had to go to work .. you would think I'd WANT to escape, but somehow I couldn't get over the anxiety of not being there to get annoyed at how sick they were. Poor Janet- I called her every hour. What are they doing now? Are they still sick?? She was infinitely patient with me. And infinitely better at taking care of them that day than I was on my delirious no sleep confusion that I was in. How can I not enjoy breaks from the kids? I can only explain it in that way- I'm addicted my captors. Patty Hearst.

SO- that's why I haven't updated the blog in awhile!! Vivi's first illness. Poor poor baby! We think she's a little bit more of a princess type. And so we are treating her accordingly. Her little personality is starting to emerge. Of course she's an angel. That's obvious. But she's also a little... royal. We are of course probably comparing her to Norah, who is more of a Joan Of Arc type. Vivienne, when she poops, has a tiny little hysterical, injured crying episode. And if you leave her alone when she doesn't want you to she gives you this very offended fake but impressive cry. It's so funny b/c 99 percent of the time she just looks pleased as punch to be around her little dominion and her little family, but when she's not pleased we hear it. She's so very dainty, too... both Teddy and Norah were big old chubs by this time, but Vivienne is a little peanut so far. She's already six months old.

And Norah's big news: She's in the big girl bed!! YAY! The first night she had to do it she was up a couple of times and when I put her back in she cried and actually said "I'M SAD. I'M SO SAD!!!" So I tried to snuggle with her and she lay there stiff, like, 'What are you doing, Mom?' til she finally said 'GOOD NIGHT??' and I was forced to leave, a little admonished. Oh, Norah's sleep has been such a blessing. So after a few days of her big girl bed she's all excited to get there at night and we read a story and she says 'big girl bed' five times and is back to her delighted little 'heh heh heh' giggle when you put her blankets on and get kiki and her icy sippy cup of water and give her a big hug and say 'love you!'

And finally, Teddy's big news- he lost a tooth! Why are we parents so proud of lost teeth? I don't know, but my feeling is like he's had this gleaming accomplishment. Like he is just the most amazing little boy on earth. His kindergarten colleagues have been a little jealous. Andrew said that he was such a lucky duck and would he just not talk about it anymore?? And Wesley had to have a little cry. And did, I, way down deep inside myself, even feel a pang of jealousy when I read that little Eddie Stenzel had lost his tooth a couple of months ago??? No, it can't be!! Anyway, it's a happy time.

Now I Get to Pray!!

2008-09-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

We aren't really sure what happens at school, but Teddy likes it. At least this week! Last night he told me that in his journal at school (he keeps a journal??) they told him to draw his favorite place so he drew a picture of his school!!! That made a mommy so happy. I just wanted him to like it... huge sigh of relief. I said, 'oh, I thought you were going to say that you drew Disneyworld' and he said, 'Oh... I drew that in my journal when they asked us our favorite place to go to.' Ahhh. You can see the difference.

On the way into church last weekend he was skipping and running and he said "yay! now I get to go pray!!" I'll let my stunned silence speak for itself on that one.

He asked Karl the other day how old you have to be to see a RATED X movie. Karl just said Oh, I just don't think you'd ever want to see one. Teddy said 'Yeah, maybe you'd have to be like 70 or somethin' And Karl said yeah... hey, where did you learn about rated x movies? thinking that it would be someone at school... and Teddy said without missing a beat: 'Grandma Gloria.'

After we drop Teddy and Andrew off in the mornings we pass our Lutheran Church and Norah always says 'Church.' Just 'Church.' Mmmhmmm. She hasn't been back since her visit during Vivienne's baptism. We just can't take her to church. It just doesn't work to bring dragons to church. They breathe fire and generally make it just uncomfortable for everyone. They're kind of cute and fun at first but then they just get a little scary. We got Norah a dragon costume... she has this tickled little laugh that she does every time she puts it on. It has wings and a tail- she's so pleased.

Vivienne heard all of our threats about making her CIO and slept well last night. She was up almost every hour two nights in a row and I was starting the drumbeat, the threats, the plans. Last night, however, she only got up at 4:30 and went right back to sleep. This is how these babies break my resolve.

Tree Adventure Day

2008-09-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

We've made something of a tradition of attending The Applejack festival in Nebraska City. Today we did it and it was a great success. Norah learned how to pick apples off of a tree and put them in a bag, so our mission was accomplished. Teddy cheerfully picked apples for 'you guys' since he'd rather eat chalk than apples.

The picture of Norah here was taken by Karl. I had to crop Teddy out of it, but the look on Norah's face is so HER that I wanted to capture it. She has that look a lot. I think it's so beautiful and dreamy. When I use terms to describe her like 'oceanic' and 'dreamlike' this is the expression that I always think of. Beth caught it once in a photograph when she was about one. This photo captures it too. It's kind of ironic that she's got that pensive beauty in my mind when she's still insisting on being a DRAGON, but hey. Today she said N-O-R-A-H (we've been spelling a lot lately and she likes to spell her name out loud N-O-R-A-H. and then she'll grandly say 'TEDDY.' in mockery of my always saying 'N-O-R-A-H. NORAH'). So today at mom and dad's she said 'N-O-R-A-H. DRAGON.'

Two Posts-One Day!!

2008-09-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Here's a 'ViviOn' (as Dragon refers to her) and Daddy bjorn picture.. this was on a nice cool fall evening and Vivi needed her little winter hat. When I feed Vivi she absently has one hand floating up to touch my face or play with my hair. Teddy used to do that- that one baby hand would just rest on my cheek. That soft little hand. I can spend ten minutes at at time looking at our kids' feet and hands. I like to picture them as they grow old, what those hands will look like when they're twenty, forty, eighty... and how they could never be more beautiful than they are right now. Five month old baby hands. Especially a five month old baby hand petting your cheek in total adoration. WOW. The other picture is Teddy helping Vivi with her tummy time. She's never thrilled about it.

Teddy floats around in the morning getting ready for school in the most absurd state of dreaminess. He's completely oblivious to any kind of urgency that we may have... you'll catch him in the bathroom mirror making faces to himself and then slowly walking away from his toothbrush in fantasy land without ever actually brushing his teeth. But finally I prod him into his clothes and into the car. Then usually i get Vivi out of her bed and load her, confused and irritated, into her carseat, pop her in the car, and then I go get Norah out of bed. Norah is THE BEST in the morning... dragon breath, smelly diaper, and absolutely drop dead gorgeous. There's just something so stunning about her silky hair and dreamy eyes in the morning. She wakes up in the middle of everything with no delay time. I pick her up and she immediately starts... 'take Teddy to new school. kindergarden. Go get Anderooo (Andrew, our carpooler). See Josie (his sister) Good morning Teddy. Have a breakfast... want a waffle.....' she rambles on.

Once in awhile Teddy and Norah interact in some affectionate way. It reminds me of some old couple, like my Grandma and Grandpa Smithberg, and how they couldn't STAND each other, but then you'd see them give each other this stilted hug or kiss and it was like a lightbulb would go off in my brain... ohhhh- these two people have a RELATIONSHIP that I don't understand. It's something only between them that belies easy definition. I felt that again yesterday- when Teddy got home from school Norah came up and said 'big hug' and actually hugged him. Then she said 'kiss on the cheek' and he dutifully did it.. all without me being involved at all. So interesting, those two.

Teddy asked her if she wanted the Dolphins or the Jets the other day. To Norah the jets are the jets in our bathtub. She adamantly said 'I don't like the Jets!' So I laughed and said 'Are you a Dolphins Fan then?" and she said 'bzzzssshhht'- the sound that a fan makes. Jets and Fans: not Norah's faves.

At storytime on Monday she spoke up for herself. The opening song singsongs everyone's name in the class... we all sing 'There's Benjamin and Aidan and Lydia and Carter and Norah and'... and she popped up right after 'Norah' and said 'DRAGON?' but nobody knew what she was talking about. Dragon Grace.

I've decided that the only thing missing to complete my own perfect happiness now lies in the purchase of many pairs of sweat pants. I'm going to pursue that. A girl needs goals.

soccer game

2008-09-17T11:04:00.001-07:00

Here we are cheering on the Bear at his soccer game! You'll note that Karl is not using any verbs- as an athletic director he's found that the rule for all cheering parents should be 'NO VERBS'. It's kind of hard to do when you watch your child picking his nose and spacing out -and the ball is flying toward him- to not use a verb, but it's good advice! Basically you can say "YAY!!!" Which is all that needs to be said. Here you can see Norah and Vivi enthusiastically cheering him on. Dragon only sat for the duration of her goldfish/juice box, then she was off and running. I need to find treats that take longer to eat....

Where's Dragon?

2008-09-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

I don't have a picture of Dragon. She is usually in such a state of disheveled mess that I don't try to take her picture. Last time I tried to take her picture all of the shots are just of her tromping toward the camera squinting and saying 'Black Cheese'. (the camera is black and she's saying 'cheeese!'- norah's unique twist on the 'say cheese!' tradition)

Vivienne has been doing this strange happy screaming... it's kind of like she's a dolphin trying to communicate with other dolphin babies. She just kind of howls and coos and screams. It's all very happy sounding. She rolled to her back when we were visiting our cousins in Oklahoma. Once. With a little help. She doesn't lay around on the floor very much to practice her rolling with the perils of Fire Breathing Dragons running around.

Teddy is doing just fine with his long kindergarten days. I am starting to know what people mean when they say that they are no longer your own once they start school. He's gone all day and then when he gets home he seems happy but very much in need of his own stuff, his freedom to enter his sports fantasy land, a little space. Then it's bedtime so we can get up and do it all over again. So long to the days of 'what are we going to do today?' Now I know why my mom always looked kind of confused when I asked her what the heck she did all day as a stay at home mom. That little blip of time where she was probably bored with one easy peasy baby didn't last very long!

Our visit to OK was quick but it was fun and so good to see everyone. The kids had fun, but Norah has 2 black eyes from walking into the corner of a glass table. She was drunk with fatigue at the time- falling to sleep in a pack and play in a hotel room is not the easiest thing for a 2 year old. She was about 5 hours short on her regular sleep by the time we got there. It wasn't pretty, but we all made it. Norah's milestone this week is that she's now learned to 'jump crib' as Teddy called it. You hear this loud, dull 'thud' and you know she's out! Luckily with a little perseverance we've been able to get her back in and she's gone to sleep.... FOR NOW.

First Week of School

2008-08-21T12:34:00.001-07:00

Teddy. He's started school. He's coming home hot, pink cheeked and exhausted. I have been watching him sleep the last couple of nights... a good exhausted kind of sleep. This is all going to take some getting used to.

It goes without saying that he's absolutely the cutest kindergartener in the universe. He's excited and nervous and trying to process the new rules and expectations. Today was the third day and he was pretty adamant about not wanting to stay through lunch. I think yesterday they ran through the lunch drill with the kids and somehow it freaked him out. I think that he's concerned that they are going to make him eat/drink something that he doesn't want. I told him last week that that was not going to happen and he said 'how do you know? you've never been there!' Good point. I packed his lunch with exactly what he wanted... I hope it goes okay. I'm missing him... I've made him some cookies for when he comes home... I'm having flashbacks of him all of the time...

the first time i saw him in that warmly lit hospital room. my mom was holding him and then she brought him over to me and I got to hold him. It was like I had gone to heaven and someone came and gave me the key to immortality. All of the answers and all of the meaning. And the way he looked at us in the hospital! That furrowed brow! That determined individuality, that serious, earnest, stubborn, single mindedness. I remember one day after I'd had to leave him and go to work for the first time I sat on the couch holding him the whole day.. cuddling and sleeping and loving him up. I remember him being sick and feverish and sleeping on a little mat I'd made on the floor so I could be close to him. I remember him many, many times giving into sleep on Karl's chest, getting his back scratched. His first word... how he loved his baths. Him jumping and jumping and flying around in his johnny jump up. 'Talking guys' with him when he figured out how to role play - before he was even two. How he'd pull on my hair and use it as his security blanket. Getting him in and out of his Clark Kent/Superman getup several times per day. Laying on the couch with him with a PILE of books that there's no way he understood and reading for a solid hour at a time. He just liked to cuddle and be read to. Finding him after he'd 'jumped crib' at 20 months. Sitting outside his bedroom trying to make him cry it out and just being sick. Running him to urgent care at midnight for a high fever/ear infection. All of his sick coughing coughing nights. Changing his sheets two or three times per night during those coughing attacks. Taking him to movies before he was 2 years old. He is amazing. He is loving, he is intelligent, bright, and vulnerable. He's my baby and he's in kindergarten all day long. I know he needs to be there, but it's hard too. He kind of likes it and and kind of just wants to be home in his own head. My baby.

Dragon

2008-08-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Norah prefers to be referred to as 'dragon' the last couple of days. I'll say 'do you want a waffle?' And she'll correct me: "does dragon want a waffle?'

She has not had a time-out for 2 days. She's doing a good job!

Vivi may look a little worried in these pictures. She smiles all the time- I just haven't been catching it with my camera.

Here's what the Beautiful Moon Looks Like

2008-08-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

When you try to take a picture of it. Teddy was outside well after his bedtime the other night wanting to take pictures of the moon. I was outside furtively eating my ice cream treat in secret when he popped his head out and said 'Mommy, can I come outside? I just like to listen.' The late-summer crickets and locusts were singing their late-summer song. He's always got a great line like that to foil my best laid plans. So I let him come out and then his idea was for us to go get the camera and take pictures of 'the beautiful night' as he put it. So here are the pictures.

Ranting Ahead- Watch Out!

2008-08-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

This mess was the absolute worst mess I've ever had to clean up. I had left my full glass of water on the counter and she knocked it over, and the flour congealed and dried and dripped down the cupboards and glued itself to the wood floor, and then she walked through the house- it was like she'd made a plaster of paris-power ranger mold of herself and pieces of her kept falling off and getting ground into the carpet. What kind of mother am I to let her do this? I was busy with Vivi, Karl was out of town, and I was so glad that she had found something non-dangerous and legal to do with herself. But I was still cleaning up the mess days later. No more flour and water play for awhile.

Ever since we got back from Minnesota Norah's been saying "Dis is our house. We're home. Mommy's home. Daddy's home." She just looks around once in awhile and says it. It's that way she has of reassuring herself of things. It's her place in the world. Then she announces and points: 'Dats a Teddy.' 'Dats a Vivi.' She'll look at her reflection and points 'Dats a Norah.'

Teddy's become obsessed with spiders, bugs, snakes, and the like. We cleared off the spider shelf in the library this week b/c he had to have every book they had. He's particularly interested in the geography of these creatures- where do they live? In Nebraska? So far we've got him pretty convinced that nothing really poisonous lives in Nebraska. He'd get too scared to step outside otherwise. He knows that we have wasps in Nebraska though, b/c we have these big 2-inch long wasps hanging out like gangstas with guns and big yellow and black stripey tattoos on our mini-deck. Norah, who's finally gotten over her fear of the bzzzhzsht, doesn't understand why I'm not letting her outside and has thrown a few fits over it. We just cannot find the nest.

What can I say, I'm a mama bear and I'm not letting her go out there- she's gotten used to running around out there in her little brown halter bathing suit- but those pudgy little buns would be too much for any wasp to resist.

Yesterday was a hard day for Norah. Lots of fits. Lots of rolling on the floor and crying. It's so hard to stay even and parental!!! Half the time Teddy gets the edge of my nerves b/c while I'm trying to be kind to Norah to help her through her emotions, he's still asking about scorpions and where they live and what happens if they bite you and do they sleep at night or in the day and what if you stepped on one and why do you say that mommy and what color are they and do you think you would die and why don't you think that you would die....

till finally I snip at him to just STOP when it's not his fault at all... and then he's crestfallen. And then I feel so awful, like such a failure, b/c Norah's crying, Teddy's sad, (a quote this week when I abruptly made him get off of his video game and he was crying and startled was 'you've made me the saddest that i've ever been in my whole life!) and Vivi's sitting in the corner all alone. But Norah's so frustrating that I feel like if I just let the anger show to her even a little bit I'd get addicted to it. I never want to be mean to her... things are so hard for her. And none of it is her fault.

Her tantrums yesterday were over me taking a shower, me making her go inside b/c of the wasps, me not giving her the keys to play with while I was driving the car, wanting to watch Barney but not wanting Barney once it was on, wanting to watch Elmo but we don't have Elmo, and the most traumatic one was wanting to go to bed with an orange sippy cup, not a purple one. She was just hysterical about the sippy cup and she can't really tell me very well what she wants, so finally I figured it out through trial and error, and then she swallowed and panted and panted and said THANK YOU in this sobby, breathless way. I feel so bad for her... but so mad when she bites me, or opens the oven door, or draws on her legs with a marker, or you name it. I don't know what to do except try to give her as much attention as I can... and I do try every time I can put Vivi down I try to do just something fun with her- but it's just not enough. I just can't be there for her the way that she needs me to be right now, which is all of the time. I know that it's just the breaks, and we chose to have three kids and etc etc but my gosh she's having a hard time with life and it's not getting any easier.

Maybe I'll take my anger out on the next kindly sweet older person who smiles at me so benevolently in the library and tells me to enjoy and treasure this time... b/c I feel guilty about that too. I feel guilty for not enjoying every minute. I love them so much that it physically hurts me sometimes to look at pictures of them, to watch videos we've taken of them, to see them changing, to know that the rosy pudge of babyhood is all but gone on Teddy, that Norah's fluffy baby girl hair is now real big girl hair, that Vivi's newborn look is totally gone. It hurts, b/c did I enjoy it? Then at the moments when all 3 are crying, and it's all my fault, I think, HOW DOES ONE GO ABOUT ENJOYING THIS????

Excuse Me, Ann?

2008-07-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

We spent a lot of fun time with Simon and Aleia last week- we even had a slumber party. Aleia, who starts everything she says with a very polite 'excuse me, ann??' had to repeat herself a lot over the course of last week since things are a little bit busy with Vivi and Norah and Teddy and Simon. By the end of yesterday, I had my back turned and heard 'excuse me, ann?' so I said 'yes, aleia?' and she didn't say anything. I turned around to see that Aleia was gone and it was Norah, busily playing with her toy saying 'excuse me, ann? excuse me, ann?' glancing at me with that mischevious smile.

The boys had a blast together... they've grown up like cousins, and now they'll be going to their own kindergartens. Sigh. At least with these boys you know that they'll never drift too far apart- as long as there are video games in this life, Teddy and Simon will be able to always pick right up where they left off.

Teddy's imaginary best friend is named Leaky. He told me yesterday that Leaky is an artist and that his paintings are really nice and he sells them to people for $100.00 apiece. But some of the paintings he keeps for himself. I was picturing Leaky doing these kind of watercolor abstract pieces... but then Teddy informed me that Leaky keeps some of his best paintings to himself. Some of his best paintings like the ones he did of Devon Hester or Adrian Peterson. He just keeps those ones. I guess Leaky is more of a street-corner-oil-painting type.

Vivienne says this: 'ga ga' and then she says 'goo goo' and then she says 'cooooo'. She even almost laughs a little bit. I never knew babies actually said gaga and googoo!!!

Summer Winds Down Early Around Here

2008-07-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

Karl's back to work, I'm back to work... it feels like our summer is almost over. Time goes so quickly that I almost count days as over before they start. But that's so wrong- my friend whose son is going to college in a month actually railed today 'TIME IS THE ENEMY!!' b/c she's just so sad to see him go. It's like I'm sitting here just carelessly tossing off days, like they're just endless... but I have to remember that they're not endless. They're finite and I can either soak them in or let them float right by. Sometimes you've got to let them float a little bit, don't you? (I think that's why I haven't been writing.) But on the other hand, I've got to remind myself to treasure them. The moments. The new facial expressions, the new way Norah cocks her head when she explains something, the new levels of understanding Teddy always surprises us with. The new sounds Vivi makes, the way she tries to talk to us now, the way she asserts herself, the way she stretches... if I could bottle up the feeling that I get when I watch her stretch in the morning- those lips pursed out- those eyes closed-the same eyes closed that Teddy and Norah had too- her arms and legs all scrunched and her back arched... I wonder what the street value is on that kind of drug? What about Norah's hair- the way it's golden in the morning and her eyes dreamy and oceanic... it's like there's almost this hum of life coming out of her... this quiet little vibration. Gosh, she'd hate that to be true. She hates all vibrations!!

I was looking at Teddy the other day, he's been so sweet. And he's going to Kindergarten. I'm so sad and happy and proud - I can hardly stand it. I said, "Teddy, we should go out to breakfast, just you and me." He said sure. I said, 'You pick. Where should we go?' He said, in that little surfer boy voice that he has, 'Burger King. Have you tried Burger King's breakfast? It's SO GOOD. You'll LOVE it.'

Whoops- I forgot that he would not pick a nice little cafe with waitresses and good coffee and menus. So BK it was.

So Sunday he and I went to BK, the old and dirty one near our house. He got cini-minis and methodically ate them one by one, occasionally dipping his finger in the accompanying icing. It comes separate. We had a pleasant, lazy conversation about 'what comes after college?' where I tried to explain master's degrees and PhDs. He listened as he chewed, and then decided, 'I'll just get a master's degree.' Mostly he was just in a sugary trance... and then he finished, and said 'Ok, let's go home.' Our whole outing lasted just a few minutes. But I do feel like I've learned something, enough to know that just letting him be happy with his ciniminis, and just watching him be happy, was perfect. Just right.

Norah and Karl have been having a great time together. Karl had to do Daddy day care when I went to work last week, and he drew the line with her fits. He started to get her to say 'please' and not to scream. She really really has gotten better. The other day she looked up at him, took his hand, and said 'Daddy please come house' which means come sit in her play house. This is major progress from the DADDY HOUSE AAAGGHHH! throw yourself on the ground approach she had before. So she and he have been happily sitting in there together. She's been adding 'please' to a lot of her requests and generally been much more reasonable than last week, or, say, our week in Minnesota. I can't believe how hard she tries. When she wants to throw a fit she'll breathe these panty little breaths and jut her lower lip out and try to get a grip on it. She's such a pumpkin.

And Vivienne Rose- she's still perfect. She's been eating like a bear cub, busily growing. She has this look... this wide eyed, vulnerable, trusting look. It's like she trusts me. I always felt like Teddy as a baby was a little suspicious of me- could I actually perform the role of mother??? And I felt like Norah as a baby just knew what she was doing, somehow. Vivi seems like she'll be content to be our baby for awhile. Which is good, because we've learned how to soak it in. I'm soaking in all of it. Literally.

Different Yard Party

2008-06-30T04:08:00.001-07:00

Since Norah still doesn't like the back yard, and in dire need to fill the time after naps and before dinner, Karl moved the kiddie pools and sprinklers to the front yard- the 'different yard' as Norah calls it- and we had a Different Yard party. Sam and Leo came over too, and we blew bubbles and the adults drank one beer apiece before the whole thing was ended after too many skinned knees. Teddy suggested that we call it a Band Aid party instead of a Different Yard Party because everyone ended up having to have a band aid or two.

Norah tromped around in these combat boots and had a good time all in all. The summer's flying and we're off to Minnesota soon!

How Coming

2008-06-26T13:19:00.000-07:00

Vivi is a smilin' fool! She's just so delighted about life and she's trying to talk back a little bit. It's the cutest thing!!

I started telling Karl about my new novel idea about how to torture al queda suspects. He suggested I write it on the blog- perhaps to get me to stop talking about it- so here it is. You hook the guy up to these electrodes that zap him every time his blood pressure starts to rise, and then you have a darling doe eyed five year old innocently ask him 'how come?' to everything he says. Like this:

'oooh- we got lucky that we made it to swimming lessons in time to beat the rain!'

'how come?'

'so we won't get wet!'

'how come we won't get wet?'

'because we're inside and it's raining outside.'

'how come it's raining outside?'

'because the clouds are outside and we are inside.'

'how come?'

This new 'how come' phase differs oh-so-subtly from the 3 and 4 year old 'why' stage... this 'how come?' thing seems to be something he's doing just to keep the conversation going. which is so sweet. which deserves infinite patience. I keep thinking about how i've got to be utterly kind and patient since he wants to talk to me ... b/c what if when he's a teenager he has a question about how to say no to drugs or something but he thinks, no, my mom doesn't have patience for my questions. So I will not lose my cool. I will not lose my cool.

How come you will not lose your cool?

Vivi's Baptism

2008-06-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

Vivi's baptism was great. Norah was the only one who had a problem with the whole thing- maybe she objected to the ecumenical turn our family has taken. (While Vivi was having the water poured on her forehead Norah kept saying "No! Time to Go! All done Choich!") If so, she's the only one. Everyone else was so wonderful and supportive and it was really a special day for our little family.

The BZZZSHHSZ

2008-06-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

Apparently plastic surgeons are now selling packages- called 'mom jobs'- liposuction, breast enlargement/reduction/lift, and tummy tuck all at once for a bundled price. Some birkenstock-clad lady from the Academy of Families and Mothers or some such group protests this, claiming 'women's bodies don't need to be "fixed" after having babies'. Hand me my birkenstocks, sister!

I don't even actually have to go that deep- my fear of death or blood clot related stroke from plastic surgery precedes and overshadows any moral/ethical considerations I may have about the issue. All I can picture is myself with my perfectly lipoed, enhanced, tucked body, only it's a half body gimping and limping around after my huge surgically induced blood clot massive stroke. How hot is that? HAHAHAHA.

Anyway, enough of my thoughts. What are the squirrels doing? Norah's terrified of the air conditioner. It turned on when she was out in her sandbox 3 days ago and she was scared out of her wits. She's been walking around the house repeating our reassurances to herself. She calls it a 'bsshzhzs'. Everything that makes noise is a 'bzzzshshs'. She says, with that darling inflection, 'it's okay to have a bzzshzh. it's just a liddowl loud. it's not scawy. don't wowwy. it's off.' Many times a day she reassures herself, but she still can't bring herself to go back out there. She's gone out with me holding her, but she's clinging on tight. It's so too bad because she loves to go out and swing and play in her sandbox!

Teddy and his friend Andrew had a funeral for a dead baby robin today. It was a nice service.
I did the burial and kept frantically saying DON'T TOUCH IT!!!!

Vivienne sleeps, eats, smiles, and does it all again. She's a beauty. She gives us a bit of a bad time after about 7 PM. We don't know if we should just put her to bed or keep feeding her or what. But we just keep winging it... I don't turn it into the 'big picture of her sleep problems' that I did with the other two. We're just going with the flow for now.

Latest and Greatest

2008-06-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

Summer has begun! Leisurely mornings, along with an actual weekday shower for me- life is good. Teddy's doing swimming lessons, Norah's doing a new game we call stroller-buckle self-help you-aaaaah! or car seat-buckle self-help you-aaaah! or any other variation that ends in 'help you aaah!' she's also been emptying out the fridge, dumping clothes out of their drawers, playing in the toilet, ripping off her diapers, jumping in her wading pool several times a day, and yelling noooo! help you! aaaah! This morning when she saw Vivi she said 'Hi Sweetheart!'

Vivi went to the movies with Janet and I yesterday. I think she was a little bored- she just slept the whole time. I think she's looking a bit like her dad....

My Daddy

2008-05-28T05:35:00.000-07:00

Teddy still refers to us as 'my mommy' and 'my daddy'. I just love that. He told me he was going to tell his teacher Miss Rosemary that 'my daddy woke me up out of bed so that I could see a full rainbow all the way across the sky!' This is a picture of our visit to the fire station. Janet's dad, the old fire chief, set it up for us. The kids got the full experience- Teddy was the perfect age for it- he was in such awe of everything. It was a real treat. Norah liked the m&ms... she had a good time too. At the end all of the firefighter signed our book 'Corduroy Goes to the Fire Station' with inspirational messages- just like the Power Rangers at Disneyworld!

The Zoo

2008-05-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

I've sat down more than once to write about what's happening, but I feel strangely uninspired. Strangely, i say, b/c everything has been really glowy and peace and light overall. Vivi's still like a dream, perfectly beautiful, and T and N have been great. Norah's taken to almost biting my legs and knees as I nurse Vivi, but that's the worst of it. She starts to sink the teeth in, but stops short. Usually. So it hit me that since I'm around them 24-7 I don't have the objective distance that I usually have at work, the distance that allows me the time to ruminate over their antics. Instead of an observer of the monkeys, documenting their behavior with bemused objectivity, I AM the mama monkey unself-consciously picking nits off of my young and nibbling them, completely unaware of myself or the world outside of our habitat. I guess they call this maternity leave. I'm not at all unhappy, just completely absorbed in the love, the diapers, the housework, the nursing, feeding, cuddling world of this cozy home. I'm now completely one of them. hahaha.

The pics are from Teddy's graduation day- he's matriculated and will now move on to the next chapter. Norah did not sit through the 90 minute ceremony, but she had a blast socializing with all of her friends at the picnic afterward. Teddy had a sweaty grass-stained good time with his school buddies too- we will miss them. The pic of Norah is of her feeding Picasso the turtle, one of our little 'Teddy's School" rituals. Life is full and good. One hand typing- sleeping Vivi in my arms.

Weight Watchers

2008-05-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

Teddy is rooting for Karl to get the most points of anyone in the world. All this talk about points just gets him giddy. We're trying to explain that it's like golf, you want LESS points, but hey, whatever. Either way Karl will win, right?

So much for my long winded meanandering blog entries, everyone's up from naps all at once! Things are going great here. Vivi slept 8 hours last night- can she keep it up???

Everything since Vivienne came

2008-05-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I won't be able to cover everything that's happened. It's been the proverbial blur that everyone describes the first few weeks as. I did, however, want to jot down some of the things that stand out to me when I think back over the last three-almost four- weeks.

The lovely calm of my rosy painkiller enhanced stay in the hospital, holding Vivi on that sunny Saturday afternoon after all our wonderful family and friends had visited and we had a few hours to ourselves... I'd never been able to sleep with one of my babies before, but Vivi fit so perfectly in the crook of my arm and we just slept and looked at gossip magazines and flipped through the tv channels until Karl came back for the evening. I think it was one of the most precious times of my whole entire life.

Karl coming in with King Kong Gyros and staying every night in the hospital on that horrible pull out chair. Floating in and out of sleep and knowing he was there to take Vivi to the nursery when needed. Coming home from the hospital to see Norah and Teddy with Vivi to a sunny, calm, sparkling clean house, thanks to Beth. Norah and Teddy peering into the baby carseat to see their new sister. Not knowing what to do with my hands that afternoon when Beth took Vivi to a back bedroom for her photo shoot. The space heater and a naked Vivi on cushions. The first horrible nights switching beds and positions and trying to find a rhythm for Vivi's sleep. Teddy coughing. Bronchitis. Norah coughing. Norah fever. Norah miserable and whiny. Mom coming in the dark at 6:30 for 3 days so Karl could go to work. Drifting back into sleep in the dark morning knowing my mom was there. Waterboarding (joking!) Vivi to get her to wake up and eat. Norah bronchitis. Molly coming at our lowest point. Molly swooping in and totally saving my sanity. Molly looking at me saying 'you need to go to bed'. It was true- I was so awfully bereft when she came. Pale, hair frizzy, bloated postpartum sleepless misery. 2 nights of great sleep due to Molly taking charge of Vivi. Molly laying on the floor in the middle of the night refusing to let us take Vivi into our own room. Realizing how really determined Molly can be when she makes up her mind. Molly leaving. Gloria coming. Norah still so grumpily sick. Taking a nap that first day after Gloria came- one of those peaceful Grandma Gloria is here and everything is okay naps. Norah's horrible sick diapers and Grandma Gloria and I changing Vivi diaper-Norah diaper on and on for two or three days. The trip to the grocery store where I bought some formula- just in case- and Grandma Gloria got some gin. Things start to look up. Vivi seems to have a semblance of a routine at night. Norah coughs less, smiles more. Teddy's baseball games. Teddy in his baseball uniform. Going to his 'stadium'.

Teddy having lots of tears and tantrums. Vivi curling into a little lima bean shape and sleeping on our chests. Vivi being absolutely perfect. A treasure. A total gift.

Baby Pics!

2008-04-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

Everything has gone very, very well with the arrival of young Vivienne Rose Kaste. Two more days in the hospital and we'll all be home together. Ann was a real trooper through the entire process, which begs the question of why not have more?

Preschool Prom

2008-04-09T13:32:00.000-07:00

Today was the big day- the preschool prom! Our little boy was all ready to go this morning. He was really excited about showing off his dance moves under the mirror ball. I can only imagine what these moves are, because he doesn't dance much around the house.

This is a big week for Teddy- Friday is Kindergarten Roundup. In his spare time he's been in the back yard playing fantasy soccer with himself (if Karl's not home). He's invented several alter egos- Teddy Wangers (retired at age 80), Teddy Saga, Joe Calorie, a guy named Leaky, and others. All of the other Teddys are on other teams and he (Teddy Kaste) plays against them.... this way some Teddy or other always wins. He does the running commentary as he runs down the field kicking the ball.... "DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!" he'll declare as Teddy Kaste wins the game. Apparently this is exactly what Karl used to do in all of his spare time as a kid... elaborate sports fantasies involving many different stuffed animals, commentary, etc. Isn't that so funny that Teddy does the same thing? It's not that it's totally unheard of, but I don't know of any other kids his age whose activity of choice is this type of thing. It's so darling.

Teddy this week was thinking that he'd want to be a referee when he grows up.

Reality and Door Frames

2008-04-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

I am getting really careful to discuss Teddy's 'personal life' in a public forum, but MAN is it cute to see his budding friendships and friends. Today at school one of his buddies ran up to me to tell me that he was going to ask his mom if it would be okay to spend the night at our house on April 18. He'd come on the 19th but he has to go to the spring game with his dad that day, so the 18th was the best day for him.

I did mention that we were having a baby on the 17th, but that didn't really seem to faze him. He just has visions of having a slumber party with Teddy, and that's what it will be in his mind. Teddy, who wouldn't admit to any part of the plan, just kind of stood off to the side holding my hand, quiet, and still sweetly content to have mommy there. He has hardly ever once reacted coolly to seeing Karl or I pick him up at school- it's always this unabashed joy and huge tackle hug.

He's high maintenance but such a wonder. He's such a loving kid, an emotional kid, a needy kid, and a startlingly astute kid. I'm seeing him emerge- just a bit now and then- from the fog of fantasy that has enveloped him for two years. I'm attributing his budding friendships of late to this new awareness of his. He's actually starting to discuss his true surroundings a bit more, to be more aware of what's really happening vs. what is happening in his elaborately drawn imaginings. Like this new baseball team he's playing on- this might be his first run-in with real practice and work. Up 'til now his only reality has been professional baseball and all of its superstars, he being top notch among them. I'm suspecting that this might be the year it dawns on him that he's not a professional athlete and he may need some practice. Slightly painful to come to terms with, but I have a feeling he'll handle it well. He actually has a surprising ability to come around to the bright side of life pretty quickly, despite his brooding nature.

Yesterday I went to the bathroom quickly and came out to find Norah standing on top of the kitchen table with the salt shaker overturned, watching with glee as the salt scattered everywhere. This type of thing is concerning me. This is why I cannot be alone with 3 children for awhile after the birth. Until I re-develop my diving, running, and lunging muscles, I can't be trusted to keep Norah safe. She's just nuts and SOOOO uncoordinated. She never learns a lesson, she just gets back up and topples down over and over, crying and whining but refusing to really be comforted. She still runs around the house careening right into door frames due to her own simple misjudgement. Is this a medical condition? The doctor has examined her and we don't think so. She's just Norah, whose head has been so jiggled around from all of her crashes into door frames that no wonder she's a little goofy. She's looking at all of the baby stuff that we've gotten out with confusion, but no suspicion. She's got no idea what's about to happen. At least she gets to be a little queen in her bedroom still. At least we haven't supplanted her little sleep domain.

Resting Instinct

2008-03-26T08:30:00.001-07:00

A preview of Norah's 2 year pics! Beth and I had fun chasing her around the Old Market to get some shots.

I have no idea what the 'nesting instinct' is all about. I've never experienced it, unless it means that I lay on my fat bum and make lists of things that I'd like Karl to do before the baby comes. Like for instance, wash the windows, assemble the crib, emotionally prepare me for this new wash of love and work and worry and joy that's all about to happen.

Last night we were all laying on the bed and the kids were crawling all over us like ants on an anthill, Norah diving toward the edges of the nightstands, providing all the adrenaline I will ever need. Then they got up... I just laid there, enjoying some good old Braxton-Hicks contractions, and the kids were playing hide and seek in the curtains... peals of laughter.... the definition of 'peals'... coming from both of them. Oh my little loves. This was right after Norah ran from her bathtub naked as a peeled plum, clambered up onto her rocker with "Goodnight Moon" and proceeded to read each page to herself.

'in gween room dere a tewefon, a wed bawoon, a picker of...
'the cow jumping moon... NOT A CAT! a cow! mooooo' (she has this joke where she calls the cow a cat and then waits til we react and then says 'not a cat!')
And she turns the pages and reads with the same inflection i always use.. til she gets to the end
when we always whisper, and she whispers,
'good night noises evvywhair'
Then she slams it shut. 'One mow time' she announces, businesslike, flipping to the front.

I don't know about the nesting instinct, but I definitely know about the feeling of almost guilt that comes right before the next baby- will my other babies get all the attention they need? How will I spend time with each of them? How will I make sure that they feel important? Will they know how much I love each of them? How much I treasure just the regular moments in a regular day with them?

Boy Land

2008-03-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

Teddy spent the last week with Wesley and Ewan. It's so great to see him having so much fun, but it's also a little gross. He suddenly transforms into his grossest boy self and giggles and sword fights his way through the week... a lot of mention of his body parts, body functions, and much more violence than we usually see. I looked out the window in the backyard to see him pensively lurking around with a water gun stuck down his pants, then he'd pull it out and hold it up while looking around corners for bad guys. Wes and Ewan are right there with him of course. Ewan is not yet in on the 'double pee', which is what Ted and Wes do when they have to use the restroom. They yell 'double pee! double pee!' as they run to the bathroom and then laugh hysterically as they try to get their streams to cross. It's really too much for my prudish sensibilities to bear. And yet it feels good to see Teddy as such a pink cheeked boy. It's been a long month, what with his general malaise and illness. Even his teachers were mentioning to me how pale he looked. He gets this yellow cast to his skin at the end of the winter and these black circles and every year I'm convinced something is really wrong. But he was all boy, all vigor, all rude and crude and laughing and a little rough, having the time of his life this week. It was so nice to see.

Norah and Ewan have a bit of a power struggle going. Norah sees him look at her toys and she starts crying and saying 'not sharwing'. And Ewan then loves to kind of linger along a little bit longer with her stuff, knowing that it's killing her. We were not sure who the culprit was this week- we had to have the plumber out b/c one of the toilets was plugged after a day of playing at our house. Norah and Ewan were the prime suspects and it easily could have been either of them. The plumber pulled out a zookeeper action figure guy, and Karl (just to entertain himself and use his interrogation skills) asked Ewan if there was just one guy down there, or did he think that there could be more? Ewan said in that little lispy voice, 'just one. i just thought that he wanted to go swimming!'

Here Comes the Sun

2008-03-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

There is a beautiful, heartbreaking line in Yann Martel's book The Life of Pi where he describes losing your mother as like losing the sun in the sky.

I think of that often... mother as the sun. What a powerful analogy. Sometimes too hot, sometimes covered in clouds, sometimes mean and sometimes comforting, but always necessary, always almost omnipresent in your consciousness, whether you want her there or not. The person who gave you life and whose giant role it is to nurture you, nourish you, love you, and teach you how to be happy, really. Happier probably than she ever was. All of us want our children to not make the same painful mistakes that we have made... but mostly all we can do is just sit up here on our sunny perch, existing and observing and loving.

I felt it so distinctly the other day- Norah and I were walking along the sidewalk from the coffee shop to the bookstore- and she was so joyous, running ahead, looking back at me, looking at herself in the store windows, laughing, dancing. And I just felt like this sun- casting this shadow over her- just being present to shine down on her as she grows. It was a glowing, lovely feeling and I wanted to hold it. It made me think of how my own mom shone down on us and nurtured and nourished and took her post up in our skies every single day. I can hug my mom but I can't hug her widely enough to envelop that concept- that she is simply there, that she simply exists- that she was the most essential thing affecting my awareness of the world...that almost all mothers are. It's tremendous, but it's also the natural way of things, and such an honor.

Happy Birthday Norah!

2008-03-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

We had a very low-key celebration for Norah's birthday this weekend. She was absolutely darling about it... when she saw the pile of gifts to open she said 'Oh my gosh!' She did the two year old thing of not really even noticing that there were more gifts to tackle when one caught her interest. She particulary loved a hat that Aunt Kathy had brought for her and a sparkly pink horsie that mom brought. She loved her lasagna, she loved her cake, and used all of her little phrases: 'cool!' 'awesome!' 'i love this!' 'neato!'. She kind of froze when it came to blowing out her candles- it's like she had to stop and let the whole experience kind of catch up to her, but she blew one of them and Teddy got the other. It was just right.

Skiddamarinkydinkydink

2008-03-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Teddy went in to get Norah up from her nap and he was singing to her when I walked in (her face was rapt with attention):

Skiddamarinkydinkydink Skiddamarinkydinkydoo

I love you....

Skiddamarinkydinkydink Skiddamarinkydinkydoo

I love you....

I love you in the morning

And in the afternoon

I love you in the evening

And underneath the moon

Skiddamarinkydinkydink Skiddamarinkydinkydoo

I love you!

It was a good moment b/c they've been bickering more lately... mostly because Norah loves to make him scream. And then she turns to me with her squinty eyes and says 'Not Sharwing' when she doesn't get to take his stuff, destroy his puzzle, etc. That was her only problem at Teddy's birthday party- all those people touching her stuff and not sharwing.

Joe came over yesterday to bring a gift for Teddy and I had to make a work call- we had an irate library user. So I asked him if he could watch the kids for 5 minutes while I did it. He was trying to entertain them but they were screaming and then Norah pooed in her diaper. I wouldn't expect him to deal with that, but Norah doesn't like the feel of that anymore, so she whipped it off, poop and all, left it on the floor and started running around the house with poopy buns. Joe very gingerly picked up the diaper and placed it outside for lack of knowing what else to do with it, but I think he just kind of tried to keep Norah from sitting anyplace 'til I got off of the phone. Meanwhile I'm staring straight ahead and trying to talk this woman down. Somehow I got off the call in time to catch Norah before she sat on the couch or anything... I THINK.... feel like coming over to our house anytime soon?

Poor Joe. I just figured, aw, what could happen in five minutes? When I'm sitting right here? That's more than an uncle should have to take!

Happy Birthday, Teddy!

2008-02-28T18:52:00.000-08:00

Teddy was so excited for his birthday and I think it lived up to everything he dreamed that it would be. He got to bring football cupcakes to preschool and wear the birthday crown and all of that and then in the evening he enjoyed himself IMMENSELY at his party. I just feel so grateful to everyone who came- thank you for making my baby so happy. I feel like inviting people to my child's birthday party is a cousin (albeit distant) of the 'candle party' or the 'jewelry party'. Anyway, I just feel so appreciative to everyone who came to spend 2 hours in the din. Just having a houseful of people and a lot of noise and a pile of gifts was all it took to make it 'the best birthday ever' as he said. When everyone left he said "I LOVED my birthday!" and ran over and gave me a huge hug. LIFE CANNOT BE SWEETER THAN THAT. I just can't think of anything that can top that. Some pics: (Norah had a fabulous time as well- she just ran among the guests squinting and squealing in her Aunt Becky Cherry Dress)

It Takes a Village to Give Norah a Haircut

2008-02-20T12:21:00.000-08:00

It's not that I thought that taking Norah for her first haircut was going to be a tidy little experience, but the long haired running away from me picture is the 'before' and the sullen lollipop sucking picture is the 'after'- I don't think you could really tell unless I explained a bit. I had envisioned more of a distinction between the two photos, but alas. Needless to say she objected to getting her hair cut. It actually looks really cute now that we've tamed it a bit, but the stylist had to deal with a day's worth of flyaway static and sucker juice in the hair, so this is how it looked immediately after. I still gave the poor girl a 50% tip for her trouble. Because it was trouble. Teddy was a big help, trying to distract with funny faces and running to get lollipops. The first lollipop fell to the floor and was immediately coated in hair like a juicy green Chewbacca... she was mad as heck that we wouldn't give that one back as she had to wait for Teddy to run to the receptionist to beg for another one. My job was to hold her consolingly in a vice grip so the girl could work. Norah just kept crying and squirming, saying 'amost done amost done'... who knows what that means to her since I say it to her all the time when i'm not necessarily 'almost done'. The stylist also gave her a balloon right off the bat, obviously not knowing the fine art of stingily meteing out distractions to kids rather than blowing your whole wad right away. She must've preferred that we give balloons, however, since the lollipop got in the hair and make the whole process even more complicated.

But we got it done! Norah has had her first haircut. Right before her second birthday!

A couple of notes I want to remember

2008-02-13T10:32:00.001-08:00

Teddy: If Grandma Gloria comes on the twenty-tooth and leaves on the twenty-fifth then she'll miss my birthday!!

Norah's famous method of getting her way (she does this about everything but i have to write it down in case we forget which kid it was who did it):

Norah: "watch barney????"
Us: "you want to watch barney, norah?'
Norah: "okay!"

Norah: "have a cookie??"
us: "you want to have a cookie, norah?"
Norah: "okay!"

Oh, and for Karl and I: this was the winter we waited for our baby, watched Arrested Development, and slept a lot b/c the kids were in such good routines.

Where To Start

2008-02-13T10:07:00.000-08:00

I just can't say enough good things about the kiddos lately. They have been so sweet and good natured. They have been largely trapped in the house and they've gone to the dirtiest corners of the basement to find forgotten treasures and new things to play with. Norah's discovered the thrill of digging in the couch cushions in the hopes of finding long lost skittles and popcorn. Should I feel bad about this? Probably. And Poor Teddy. We knew it would happen eventually- he was half heartedly playing with his NFL helmets yesterday when he looked up and sighed, 'I'm sick of football.' I never dreamed this day would really come. So he spent the rest of the day digging up other things to do. I just keep expecting him to whine to me about being bored but he never does. He just comes up with idea after idea of wacky stuff to play. And when we read our books when Norah naps he rests his hand on my belly so he can feel the baby kick. And then he leans down and yells in there something like 'how's it going in there, baby? what are you doing? are you excited to meet me??'

Norah's become thoroughly book obsessed and we keep catching her off alone in rooms with her books, happily reading aloud to herself. She's become more snuggly with her books lately- we are eating it up. Usually she gets up first in the morning and we sit on the couch and then Teddy stumbles out rubbing his eyes and asking for hot cocoa... yesterday when he came out she got off my lap and went over and said 'good moining, teddy!' and gave him a big raspberry kiss right on his bare belly.

big girl

2008-02-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

norah had to use a fork today for her eggos. she's looking and acting so big!

It Occurred to me Later

2008-02-06T14:03:00.000-08:00

that Norah may not like that I wrote about her little tub pooping problem when she's old enough to read this. But I console myself with two facts: a)there's no way our kids will be able to sift through all of this drivel that I've written by the time I'm done and b) anything that you do before you're, say, four is not all that embarassing. I've naturally become more tender in my revelations about Teddy... some things are his business and not anyone else's. But here I am discussing Norah's bad tub pooping habit without one bit of restraint. I hope I don't embarass her too much- I'm going to have to be so careful. I was thinking this morning about this and how painful the embarassment can be as a kid when your insecurities are made public. The first time Mom and I went bra shopping was probably one of the most self conscious, mortifying experiences of my life. It all went smoothly, but the FEAR that one of the kids in my class would see me holding a bra... or seeing my mom hold a small tiny little bra that was obviously a 'training' bra, meant for no one but me, was heart stopping. (I love that- training bra- for boobies in training I guess... training for what? i don't think mine trained hard enough, but that's another story.) The worst part of the day actually happened at home when my proud mother beamed over at my dad and announced to the family at the dinner table that "ann got her first bra today!!" I still blame the complete embarassment of that moment for my current bra size... those little boobies in training just shriveled back into themselves and hid for life.

Not for the faint of heart

2008-02-05T05:37:00.000-08:00

Norah woke up yesterday and one of the first things she said was 'no pooping in the tub!' All I caught was 'poop' but Teddy, sitting all regal with his cocoa and toast at the kitchen table (I always picture him with coffee and the paper) looked up and translated for me: 'SHE SAID 'NO POOPING IN THE TUB!' And he was correct. I'm glad that she's trying to give us some advice. Last time she pooped in the tub i pulled her out in my usual vomitous frustration and started cleaning it up and she peered over the edge of the tub and said 'Oooh. Gwoss.' She also asked me twice yesterday if I was poopy and if I needed my pants changed. This actually meant that SHE needed her pants changed, but I appreciate her checking on me. She'd waddle up: "Are you poopy?" she'd ask, "Do you need pants changed?" This job is not for the easily nauseated. Nor is this post.

Goldilocks

2008-01-30T09:45:00.001-08:00

Teddy brought home a paper from school this week. On it was a picture of Goldilocks and the three bears... um, well, that was the idea anyway. It's more just a bunch of scribbles in yellow and blue. Teddy does ALL of his school work in either yellow or blue because yellow is my favorite color and blue is Karl's favorite color. If he were a total people-pleaser I might worry about this effort to make US happy instead of having him create in his own favorite color, but I think he does it more because he absolutely hates artwork and just dashes it off in colors that will please. It's like if it were his choice he wouldn't be doing artwork, he's only doing it for us, so he might as well do it in colors that we like! Anyway, at the top of the paper the teacher had written something like "goldilocks broke into the three bears' house because she wanted to watch football on their tv." I guess the kids got to make up their own take on the story.

Norah did even better in story time week 2 than she did in week 1. I have hope. She's singing the songs at home and seemed to really be absorbing it this time. Really looking at the other kids and watching what they were doing. I could just SEE it all dawning on her that this is some kind of organized class.... and she's supposed to act a certain way.... and there are some constraints.... hmmmm. It doesn't mean that she's going to comply, but I was inspired to see her take a pause to kind of observe the surroundings.

Snow Football and Storytime

2008-01-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

Teddy and Karl went out and played football in the snow (and the dark) after Teddy watched that Seahawks/Packers game where the Packers won in the snow. They stayed outside for an hour and it was COLD. It just shows how into this whole football thing Teddy is- that he could actually play out there for an hour. At school the teachers had written across the chalkboard 'TEDDY SAYS: GREEN BAY PACKERS and NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS IN THE SUPERBOWL' and this week after the Packers lost their playoff game, they all came up to him to see how he was doing and to commiserate. They are all Packers fans. Teddy tried to be strong and tried to return to his 'i just go for whoever wins' position, but he had to fight back some tears when he heard that they had lost. Now he'll even admit that he didn't get the Superbowl that he wanted, but he's still going to enjoy it. I hope the Superbowl is all that he dreams it will be.

In Norah news, we started a new round of storytime this week. We were storytime dropouts last time b/c of Norah's bad behavior and/or Miss Marjie's high expectations. Miss Marjie. I wonder how she came to be cast in the role of toddler (18-36 month)storytime coordinator? She has all the animation of a turnip and her smile, if you can get one, is more like that of a self satisfied cat than a gesture of goodwill. She rather ironically dons this apron with large colorful buttons on it when it's time for class... the irony comes into play as the children are not encouraged to touch IT or HER or anything else in the class. And yet. The other moms and kids are fun and we all kind of shuffle in to class ready to be obedient and to try once again to force the children to sit on their carpet squares and sing 'itsy bitsy spider'. Norah did better yesterday than she did last time. She arched her back and said 'ready bye bye!' a few times, but once the singing started she enjoyed it. At the end of class Miss Marjie handed each of us a sheet of paper, waited until we were all silent, and then explained that it detailed her 'rules and expectations' and we were to read it when we got home. Everyone was quiet. All you could hear was the sound of Norah, who with an uncanny timeliness, slowly ripped the sheet of paper right in half. So far so good!

Sociopath

2008-01-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

Karl and I settled in a couple of weeks ago to watch Frontline. I believe the title was 'The Medicated Child' or something. It sounded interesting. So the guy comes on, the guy with the voice of the all-knowing almighty, with that sardonic, world-wise tone....'becky and john said that their son brandon was a normal, happy baby and toddler, until he the age of three....' insert footage of brandon clawing his own face, shooting his parents with finger guns, rolling around on the kitchen floor in animalistic, tongue lolling tantrum.... 'when suddenly everything changed.' insert footage of brandon hurling himself against a wall, in an apparent effort to try and stick.

It was at that point that I got up from the couch and said, 'nope! can't do this one!' I cannot take stories like that, especially before bedtime. I could picture myself all night tossing and turning, thinking about Norah, thinking about how she is a normal baby and toddler... but when she turns THREE (or whatever age) she will CHANGE and then she will turn criminal on us. That is the absolute worst thing to throw out to a parent. The old, 'you may think your child is just fine now, but you just WAIT' warning. It's like the warnings I'd get from forty-something married people at work when Karl and I were engaged.. they'd have their pictures from Sears of their little family, smiling spouse and kids, with the hair that looked like they sprayed water on it that morning and plastered it down, pinned up in their cubicle all proud, or maybe even in a FRAME, but then at the holiday party they would slur some stuff about 'you think you want to get MARRIED? ha! you just WAIT 'til it's been ten years and you HATE each other....' And you just walk away miserable at the thought of your destiny. So anyway.

The reason I bring it up is because lately Norah has reached a new stage, one that I had forgotten that Teddy went through and came out on the other end of just fine. It's the two year old cause and effect testing phase. The 'wow mommy's leg looks really delicious and I'll bet she'll yelp if I go sink my teeth into that flesh' stage. The 'teddy's helmet toys look really fun and I KNOW he'll say NO NORAH! if I mess with them' (as she actually says it out loud in what seems to be a taunting tone 'no nowah, no nowah, no nowah')stage. It’s like at 2 they start to be so capable of so many things that I start to think that they should be capable of reason, empathy, and logic at some level. When Teddy was this age his big thing was tackling. We could not stop him from tackling kids. He would see them and he would just walk over, embrace them, and topple them over. We gave him timeouts and were firm and consistent and distressed and he kept doing it. It took FOREVER to break him of that habit. I remember worrying that there was something drastically wrong with him that he didn’t seem remorseful. Just rather coldly curious about what will happen if I make dad mad again. I remember him cheerfully repeating, after he had smacked me across the face at the age of 2 or so ‘mommy’s vewy disappointed in me. Mommy’s vewy disappointed in me.’

So if I ever wrote a parenting book I guess the title of chapter 4 would be: Your Child, 21-30 months: Mommy’s Little Sociopath

Oh, So This is It

2008-01-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

Contentedness, that little butterfly that comes and perches for such a short time and then flies away, has stopped in for a visit. For no good reason at all and certainly nothing that we did to deserve it. Both of our pumpkins are happy and thriving... healthy and strong. Teddy's legs are all long and he's almost gangly from some angles. His little baby pot belly almost gone, he runs around the house the happy oldest sibling, master of his domain. He's been trying harder lately to connect with Norah. We've determined that hugs are not the way to her heart... so he's finding other ways. Teddy is so affectionate that logically he thought that Norah might be too, but she says adamantly 'NO, TEDDY!' when he tries to hug her. It's been a good lesson in 'when someone says 'no' you have to respect it'. He's trying other methods to please her now. Like if she's crying and we need to find Kiki he wants to be the one to give it to her. Or if she's looking for a toy he wants to be the one to find it. Then he's rewarded with a 'Thank You, Teddy!' They've got a couple of silly songs that they're singing together. Slowly they are growing into real siblings. Fighting, laughing, teasing. Norah's been climbing on chairs and beds and generally going through a 2YO Extreme Play mode. She's really into 'Goodnight Moon' this week. It was so cute, she started saying 'good night' to the couch, the light, the pillow, etc and it made me think of that book. So I've gotten it out and the last few nights we've spent 20-30 minutes with it. As soon as it's done she says 'One More Time'... and we just read it over and over. She's got lots of favorite books these days and we're reading a lot. She's funny with her books, though, she doesn't just relax with them, she is all tense and has to be the one to turn the pages and find her favorite pages and say 'the end' and then say 'again' and it's all very active. Teddy and I used to read together a lot at that age too. He'd melt into you and just surrender himself to a pile of books. I feel like that's all I can think to do with toddlers. Their toys never seem to interest them all that much- I'm always just suggesting 'let's read a book!'

My Norah is independent and feisty and has a bad temper. But when I get home from work she looks at me as if I were a fairy princess there to grant all of her wishes. She walks up to me and practically whispers 'mommy' and I can just feel her relief. It's not that she can't handle things when I'm gone. Of course she can. But all of the little pieces of her world fall right back into place when I'm back. I have to write that down b/c we joke so much about Norah's traits- she IS so strong and independent. But she's still my baby and once in a great while in the middle of the night I can rock her and cuddle her and comfort her with her blankies and her kiki and make everything all better. I hope I can always do that for her, even if it's not all that often. My tough little baby.

So back to contentedness. There's nothing else that I can do. I have to relax and let our last baby grow. I can't train for a marathon or start a new hobby or worry about my weight or do much of anything about anything right now. All I can do is maintain the little systems we have going for everything, relax, enjoy, read... we are in such an easy phase right now with sleeping and naps and the ages of the kids. I watched 2 movies on Sunday alone! (BTW 'Juno' is a fantastic movie- go see it!) And I don't feel guilty or like I should be taking anything else on. I'm just going to really try to live in the moment, feel the baby kicking, relish in the times when I have Norah and Teddy on my lap and the baby happily rolling around all at once, and enjoy all of it. When the baby comes things will get stressful for awhile. I hope good, but stressful. But we are so excited to meet her! I guess that's contentedness right there- everything is good in the present, but there's also lots to look forward to.